One Year After My Separation

Somehow, I don't know how, but I made it through the one year anniversary of my separation. It has been a painful and long year. I had some good times, I was even doing very well at times, but then there are the low times. So many low times. I have endured so much pain and suffering over the last year.

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year. I will say that it has gotten easier. It seems to improve in steps. I feel better, then worse, then better, then worse again. Every time I feel worse, it seems to be less and less intense. I still have my fear, animosity, and pain, but they seem to be a little less each time.

Right before the one year mark, I had an epiphany. Her mood swings, anger, yelling, horrible attitude, all of the negative things. Those aren't my problem anymore! Those are his problem. He doesn't win in this reality. He loses. He is the one that has to put up with all of the negative, petulant behaviors. It was really nice to make this connection. It really helped me in my growth and healing.

The one year mark does have some hurdles. I think of this same time last year and am reminded of all the horrible things she has said and done. It was Mother's Day last year, when she stayed out all night and let the kids down by not showing up for their special surprise. I was also last year when she said all of those horrible things about me and was very convincing about her opinions of how horrible I was. It is hard for me to get passed those things. It is hard for me to build my confidence up again and feel good about myself and the person I am. It helps that I have some great new friends that think very highly of me. I was told by a couple of new friends how great I am and how much I enrich their lives. These opinions are far more valuable than hers. They are more based in reality and based on nice things I have done for people in my life.

It's nice to look back at the last year and see how far I have come. It is nice to see that I was able to make it through this horrible time in my life. Am I fully healed and stronger than I have ever been before. I can't say that just yet, but I am hoping to get to that point in the future. 

Dealing with the Trauma of Divorce

I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma lately. I have read quite a few books about it and the emotional reaction to it. It is interesting that divorce is certainly very traumatic, but it also brings out a lot of pain and trauma from the past as well. Some of the books even suggest that the majority of the pain is from past trauma rather than the divorce itself. 

I am not entirely sure that is true, but I have begun to work on some of my trauma from the past, and it has been helpful for me. I write about my feelings, explore traumatic events from my past, and allow myself to truly feel the feelings that this brings. This has helped with my mood quite a bit as I work through it. I don't fully understand what's happening, but I do know that it helps. 

There have been quite a few difficulties in my past. An alcoholic father that died while I was young, and a mother that suffered from mental illness. Things happened that made me feel very complex emotions when I just was not emotionally mature enough to handle them. As I work through the related feelings and emotions, I find myself having much less anxiety. 

One thing I have realized is that anxiety is linked to trauma and trauma could be anything. COVID is trauma, having our feelings ignored when we are children is trauma, being bullied as a student is also trauma. Anything could be trauma depending on how it affected us and how we did or did not deal with it. I may have been in denial about my past, but reading and writing about feelings has certainly helped me overall.

I am starting to be a little bit happier and more fulfilled in my life. Not a whole lot more at this point, but just a bit. I am hoping to continue my progress and keep the momentum going. 

Another revelation that I have had is that it is ok for me to be alone. I found myself having much anxiety and stress from trying so hard for people to go out with and spend time with. While this is very important and enjoyable, it doesn't have to happen every night. I have come to realize that if I have down nights where I am alone and have nothing to do, it is totally fine. Once I came to this realization, my stress levels went down. 

 

My Separation Story: About the Kids

I haven’t talked much about the kids so far, mostly because this memoir is about my feelings and efforts to cope with the separation itself and the devastating effects it has had on me and my mental health. Of course the children are important, and I have always focused on them throughout this ordeal. Some days, when I have been so emotionally drained that I can barely survive, all that keeps me going is my kids. Being here for them, giving them what they need to be happy. Sometimes that is all I have the energy to do. 

This whole experience has been really hard for them. Shockingly hard. My former partner doesn't fully acknowledge this as she has not accepted any accountability for what she did, for what she is still doing to them. Even when the kids bring up concerns with her, she just brushes them off like it is nothing. Anytime I bring up a concern, she just gets mad at me for "making her feel bad." The unfortunate reality is that she should feel bad. I just tell her facts about the situation and what they tell me bothers them.

My older daughter understands a lot about what is going on. She feels caught in the middle of everything. She wants to make both parents happy and feels bad when she leaves me alone. She worries about her mother a lot when she is with me and almost seems to obsess about her safety. I believe this stems from the time her mother was sneaking around and lying about where she was. It all started then. 

My younger daughter doesn’t understand what is happening. She seems to have some anger towards her mother, but that is likely because she is having so many different emotions and that is the only thing that makes sense to her. She is also doing everything she can to hang onto any sort of control. She is refusing to do so many things. She is not changing her clothes and still refuses to sleep at her mother's new apartment.

My ex focuses on "fun" a lot and the kids want that fun, but they don't want to leave me. I focus on stability and giving them a solid foundation. Not nearly as fun, but for me, it is the most important thing I can provide. Kids seems to really reflect the emotions of the former family, confused at times, not wanting to let go, angry, hurt, upset. Someone said they are like mirrors, and it really does seem like that is the case.  

I have a feeling that they will be fine, but again, I am right in the thick of things and cannot see the whole picture. I can only show them love and focus in my relationship with them. I am trying my best to give them stability and a strong foundation for growing up. That has always been my goal, but apparently my ex-wife does not seem to think it is important.

The one thing I am concerned about is that they were thriving before and although they had some issues, they had a good life. Now, they lost so much and things are not going well. The actual separation was hard on them. They both refused to sleep at my wife’s apartment at first. My older daughter developed some attachment issues, and also started to pick a scab on her arm to the point where it would not be able to heal. She had done this in the past, but had counseling to help with it and it seems to have helped again. 

As far as I can tell, they are better when they are with me than when they are with her, but I only know part of the story. They listen to me more often, and I have gotten them into a bedtime routine that gives them more impedance. 

Oftentimes they tell me they want to be with both of us at the same time. They want both parent, they want the family they had before. All I can tell them is that I understand their feelings and I wish I could give them that, but I can't. I just try to acknowledge their feelings and they seem to be better when I do that. It is so hard when I want to give them everything in the world but I can't give them the most important thing they want- their family. 

Introduction to My Divorce Memoirs: My Story, Pain, and Recovery

The short summary of my situation is that my former partner and best friend of 17 years decided that she wanted to leave and start a new relationship with our neighbor's son. He was living at home, had no responsibility, and is basically a man-child. I think she had a mid-life crisis, but she thinks she has just found true love. They moved out into an apartment together within 2 months of me finding out that she wanted to separate. 

When we found out, the children and I were devasted. We cried together while she watched us without emotion. The kids still aren't coping well to this day, and the youngest child refuses to even sleep at their new apartment. I am in the process of recovering from this devastating event and trying to rebuild a new life.  

I have been writing this for a few months now. I would like to say it has been therapeutic, but I am not really too sure about that. Sometimes it almost adds to my rumination as it makes me think about the past  rather than focusing on other things.

My hope in writing this is that it will help someone else get through the worst time of their life. Even if it is just a little bit. Although I did not write this specifically for men, I have found that there is very little available to help men through the feelings and emotions involved in separation and divorce. This is despite the fact that statistics show as many as 70% of the people who are left in relationships are men.

This blog is a detailed account of what I experienced- the pain, emotions, recovery, and all. No pulled punches. I have found throughout my reading and experience that my story is fairly typical of what someone experiences. I have read everything I could find, and even though I have been in denial about the end of my marriage at times, it is all true.

My first piece of advice is that it is helpful to get used to conflicting feelings and uncertainty. How can you love and hate someone at the same time? How can you want someone back and also never want to see them again? You will find out as you go through your journey.

Finally, I have tried almost every approach to my recovery, and I have been able to find what is helpful and what is not. There are some things, like my top tips, that are very helpful and will hopefully resonate with a few people out there.

Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in your recovery. 

Go here to read my next post: The Beginning of the End of My Marriage.

My Top Tips for Emotionally Surviving your Divorce or Separation

Separation/divorce is the second most stressful event that can happen in a person's life (most sources agree it is second only to the death of a spouse). Going through this has pushed me to the brink of my emotional strength. I don't pretend to be handling it better than anyone else, but I am good at keeping track of what helps. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that I might help someone else going through the same pain. For anyone out there who needs it, here are the most important tips I have for emotionally surviving your separation/divorce:

1. Realize that the pain is temporary. It will go away eventually. People have told me this, but it took me quite a while to realize what this really means and it is so important. I told the director at my work that I was having marriage problems and he gave some context. He said, “I know it doesn’t seem like it when you are in the thick of things, but time really does help. It may not seem like it now, but it will get better.” That summed things up quite well, and really resonates with me as I go through this journey.

2. Make a list of all the things about your ex-partner that drove you crazy. We tend to overlook things when we are married to someone because we feel like we have no choice. I have told people to try this activity and the results are always positive. In my case, there are quite a few things- her hunched over posture, her pointy nose, the way she yells and swears at the kids, the way she is so messy, the way she breaks everything, how controlling she is, the way she blames me for everything, the way she doesn’t understand things, the annoying way she puts make-up on every morning, how loud she talks, how she took me for granted, how I couldn’t talk to her about important things…. The list goes on. These are things I put up with for years and never allowed myself to be annoyed by them because it wasn't an option. It is somehow very reassuring to know that I don't have to put up with this stuff anymore.

3. Know that there is nothing you can do to change your ex-partner. Have you noticed that anything you try or say has no effect? It's fairly universal when someone has made up their mind and is biased against everything you say. When I thought really deeply about the separation, I found that the only thing I could possibly do was to improve myself. If you think over your options, that is the only logical conclusion. As I have told myself a few times throughout this ordeal, there is something freeing in understanding this. When you can accept that this is the only thing you can control, you can work on it with the knowledge that you are doing all that you can. You stop pointless efforts to change your ex-partner's mind and start to focus on the only thing you can (and should) focus on, which is yourself.

4. On days when you are barely functioning and barely holding on, break tasks up into small parts and complete the small parts. Somedays, you are hurting so much that you can barely even have the energy to survive. When these days come, break your tasks into smaller parts. Even getting done a small portion of a task is a success, and be proud that you did what you did. Focus on what you have to do in the next couple of hours and do that as best as you can. Don't think about the future or anything beyond right now. Which leads to my next tip;

5. Try not to think about the future, and if you do, know that there are a great number of changes that will take place before that future arrives. I have found that when I think about the future right now, it just doesn't make sense anymore. It is impossible and there are too many things that just don't work. This can be very overwhelming. What has helped me is knowing that many things will change before that future arrives and those changes will help make the future possible.

6. Seek counselling, talk to people, and get your pain out. If you have a program through your work, go to a counselor. If not, seek one out in the community or pay for one. Everyone can benefit from this. Talk to friends, talk to Ministers, seek out whoever you can for this support. It may not always seem like it, but it truly does help. Keeping a journal is helpful too. It isn't a quick and easy solution, but it does help build resilience even if it is just a little bit.

7. Seek out new people, new experiences, and new activities. This is extremely difficult to do when you are going through a lot of pain. Just know that, if you make the effort, these things will help build your new life. You may only end up doing one new thing a week, but you have to remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. The new activities and experiences will help you a little bit right now, but will help you a lot over time as you build your new life.

8. My final tip is that your ex-partner's friends and family are just that, theirs. They will always support your ex, and even if they truly care about you, they have to support their family. That is the harsh reality, and it sucks. Whatever their rationale, whatever horrible things your ex did, they will not waiver in their support. So if you think you can call them up and tell them about what your ex did, don’t fool yourself. Even if it did work and they sided with you, it won’t help anything. Don't bother, focus again on yourself and your needs.

Dealing with The Pain of Her New Relationship

Many times, when someone is ready to leave a relationship, the pain is too much for them to handle and they have to find someone else to fill the void. Unfortunately, this is all too common when marriages end. There are so many of us out here that have had to deal with this and it is very painful. The person we loved is with someone else and there is nothing we can do about it.

My case is unique in that my former wife chose my neighbor's son for her new partner. This further adds to the pain. With kids in the mix, I see her every day and it is a constant reminder of the immense pain. 

I often ask the question, why do people make a horrible choice for their new partner when ending a marriage? The new person is almost always the worst possible choice. There is a very simple reason for this. People choose the first person that is willing to swoon over them, make them the center of their universe, make them feel special and loved. Even if that is a fake love and the person is the worst possible partner. It just feels appealing to them, it gives them what they need, it strokes their ego and makes them feel special. 

Of course the person delivering this fake love is a horrible choice. They have nothing else going in life, and they will do anything to make your former partner feel special. That is exactly what the former partner needs. Someone who will do anything for them and make them feel special. Someone who will never reject them because they can't, they have nothing else. 

It's sad, but it is the reality. I have seen it time and time again, and I have lived it. The former partner makes every attempt to make things look perfect and happy, but they are not happy. Far from it. The harder they try, the more unhappy they likely are. 

How do we deal with this? I am still figuring this out. It hurts a lot, but we have no choice but to work through it. The first thing to realize is that the former partner is not happy. The pain of divorce is hard for everyone, even someone that leave to be with a new partner. They are just masking the pain and ignoring the truth. The true fact is that divorce hurts for everyone, even if our former partners are trying to hide the pain.

The other thing to know is that the more your former partner tries to make things look perfect and make their life look happy, the more they are lying to themselves. It is not perfect, and they are just trying to make things look good to justify their horrible decisions. The sad reality is that this can continue for quite a long time, and they may not ever develop enough self-awareness to know the truth. We can't wait around for this, we can't tell them about their horrible decisions (because they will never listen), we can only accept the reality and move on with our lives. 

First Christmas Alone and a False Sense of Hope

I broke down crying on the 21st, sobbing uncontrollably from the harsh reality and pain of my first Christmas alone. 

I was facing the reality of the situation- my wife moved into an apartment with my neighbor's son, the kids aren't coping well, and life is completely upside down. I was overwhelmed, I couldn't see anyway forward. The kids were home from school and they were bored. I had to text her for help- something I really did not want to do. She came to my rescue, caring for me, trying to help. 

I think this gave me a false sense of hope for what could happen with us. She was just doing it to help. It didn't mean anything to her. Maybe she feels guilty for what she did to me and our family. Maybe she truly sees that what she did is wrong. I don't know if it really matters, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

The next few days were filled with hope. What if she can finally see the truth? I texted her, tried to explain that things are not right. The kids aren't coping well, they are in pain. I am too. I told her she needs to stop pretending that things are good and right. She seemed a bit responsive and admitted that she feels like crap every day. I tried to help her see the truth, but she went back to blaming me. She said she feels like that because of the things I say to her. I hadn't even said anything to her lately and whenever I did in the past, it was only telling her the reality of the situation.

I thought there could be some grand gesture for Christmas, maybe she could come home and we could be a family again. I asked her to come home. It didn't work. There was no grand gesture, there was no Christmas miracle.

Part of me thinks her brain is shutting it out, trying to protect her from reality. She can't see it all. She is not happy. She cries, yells, and then just pretends things are ok. This has to be some sort of defense mechanism. But in the end, does it really matter? The fact of the matter is that things aren't changing and I am having trouble accepting that.

Now I am alone, Christmas by myself. I do have some friends and somewhat of a social network that I have created in my new life, but it's not what I want. I want my family back. It is just not the same, it feels empty without her here. She doesn't care. She replaced me with my neighbor's son. She has this grand idea of what things are and how much better they are. She is wrong, but she will never admit it. 

I think part of my hope is that what she did is so horrible, so stupid, so ridiculous, that it is almost impossible for someone to not figure out that it is wrong. I know that time will come eventually. The problem is that I am waiting for it, and I can't do that. Yet, here I am, hoping for the future. Hoping for a family that doesn't exist anymore. 

I am not crying now, I think I got most of that out already, I am feeling empty inside, alone, sad. I know this will get better with time. I know I have to let go of my marriage and the happiness that I never even truly knew I had. I should have appreciated it more, but I guess I will never have that chance again.

She will continue to pretend, continue to think things are better and continue to ignore the family she tore apart. I always thought you could never just replace one person with another, but apparently you can. With a little denial and pretending, you can do whatever you want in this life. Or at least some people can. I can't. 

Good People Doing Horrible Things and the Effect on Happiness

For anyone who has read my story so far, it is very messed up. It is kind of like something that would happen in a movie- A bad movie. As it has played out, I have had to reflect on why a good person like my former wife would do such horrible, horrible things. 

I don't know if I have the answer to that just yet, but I think it has to come down to some sort of defense mechanism in her brain. It seems her brain just won't let her see the whole of the circumstances- the horrible thing she did to her family. Every time I try to tell her, or even help her make any sort of realization about the facts of the situation, she shrugs it off or blames me for making her feel bad. She will even blame the kids at times. What is clearly missing is any accountability for herself and her actions.

In any marriage, the longer we are together with someone, the more we can see their flaws, the more things bother us, and the more we feel taken for granted. That was all at play in her mind. Then, a loser comes along- and I don't use that term lightly, I almost never say that about anyone. Someone who swoons over them, makes them feel special, and gives anything to be with them. They are out there. They want what someone else has. He made her feel special, he made her feel like he was living his life for her. And he was doing that, he is doing that. 

The problem with this is that it's not real. There is no real connection, and it is all based on lies. Lies that the person thinks the same, wants to do the same things, is exactly what the other person needs. And of course they do that, why not? They want the person to feel special so they can be chosen to be a new partner. Hormones take over, and it feels like true love. The hormones and feelings wear off over time, as they do with all relationships. When this happens, she will be as unhappy as she was before if not more unhappy because of the horrible things she did to her family. 

People have a base happiness level. The fulfillment they get from life, it is fairly constant. It can be changed, but only with hard work and good fundaments and approach to growth and development. Good things and bad things happen, and the person eventually returns to their base happiness level. This has been proven time and time again. There was a study that looked at whether or not someone thought they would be happier if they won the lottery, or if they lost a limb. Obviously, everyone thought that winning the lottery was the clear choice. The study found that, years down the road, the person that lost a limb was actually happier!

Why is this? It is because that person had to work and improve themself, their outlook on life, everything. The person that won the lottery didn't do any of that. This makes all the difference. This is why each and everyone of us who have gone through (and are going through) the pain of divorce will come out better in the end. We will be happier. The person that did the horrible thing, the person that thinks they won the lottery by going with the loser that swooned over them- they will be unhappy.

My Experience With The Loneliness Stage

Loneliness is a bit different in COVID times, I am working from home and by myself more than ever before. I am not even sure if I would be this lonely in normal times, but the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. I spend most of my days alone and can go a whole day without seeing or talking to anyone in person.

I think that I have finally moved on from the denial stage, and have accepted that this is happening no matter what I do. She had previously acted like she might not leave me, or that she was deciding whether or not she was going to leave. That gave me some false hope. Hope was nice, it made me think we had a chance to save the family. I don’t think she ever considered changing her mind. It was either manipulation or guilt. That is all.

Now that I have accepted that harsh reality, I am free to move onto another stage of accepting my separation. That next stage for me is loneliness. I have gotten so lonely lately. Horribly lonely. I hit the dating apps pretty hard, not necessarily because I am ready to date or want to meet someone, but more because I just want to meet and talk to people. I have met some great people on there, and a couple that I wanted to keep talking to.

Spending time with my kids means so much more to me now. I am almost getting worried that it is a bit co-dependent. It’s a bit of a scary spot to be in, I don’t even know what to do from day to day. I really enjoy being around them, even if it is sometimes only for the fact that I am not alone.

A counselor told me that all feelings play a role in our recovery from a separation. Loneliness helps by making us seek out people and activities that prevent us from being alone. It is a powerful feeling that helps us change. I have to keep this in mind as I proceed through the stages. The other thing I read is that I have to work through the loneliness and learn to enjoy being by myself and enjoy my own company. I am doing a decent job of this through journaling, meditating, writing, and other activities like this. I guess I actually do enjoy my own company as I do things like yard work and gardening. Maybe I am mature enough to handle this after all. Maybe. We will see.

Searching for Answers After My Wife Left

I think it is common for all of us to search for answers when we go through a separation/divorce. I am sure it is more common for people who didn't ask for it to happen. I can't really speak to the other side of things. It is a constant search for the reasons why your former partner left. Everyone I have talked to has done it, and we seem to wrack our brains looking for everything that contributed to them leaving.  

Was it that one thing I did? Could I have avoided it? If only I would have done that one thing differently when they asked. I have spent so many hours thinking of these things. Trying to understand, trying to know what I missed, everything that contributed to it. It often seems like it is just one thing or a couple of things that contributed, but it's not. There are often dozens of reasons, many of them internal and a reflection of their view of the world, which we can never fully understand.

There is some value in searching, it can help healing and it can help us ensure that we don't make the same mistakes in the future. But there is a time when it must end. We must all realize that there are just things we will never ever know. This is a hard thing to do, but it has to be done. We must learn our lessons and then just try to move on. We must accept that there are things we will never know and somehow find a way to be ok with this fact. 

When it comes right down to it, there are so many things going on in that other person's mind that we can never understand, most likely there are things that they never even mentioned. Sure, they may have told us how bad they think we are, or what they have concluded, but there are so many inner thoughts and even their insecurities that played a part. They made a choice and we have to live with it. The truth may never be known and there is nothing we can do about it. It then goes back to something I always write- we must focus on ourselves and making our lives as positive and enjoyable as possible. That is the only thing we can control, that is the only thing we can do.

I have had times when I am better at this and times when I am worse at it. I have worked through never knowing, only to fall back into searching for answers. I can tell you that I am much more at peace when I accept it than when I am trying to 'figure things out.' I encourage everyone out there to try your best to just let go and not get caught in this pattern of thinking. I know it is easier said than done.

Learning About Myself and Letting Out The Pain of Divorce

One thing I learned today is that I need to let out my pain. Writing, meditating, exercising, anything to get the pain out. If I don't, it starts to build up inside and I can feel myself getting mad or upset. Seems like a simple concept, but it is a very important one. Now that I have realized this, it has made things so much easier for me, and I encourage everyone to reflect on this.

I knew a little bit about this, but didn't realize how important this was until recently. Two weeks ago, I had stopped doing my "work" at letting it out. I did notice quite a bit of difference in my mental well-being. I was just not my normal self at all. I found myself getting angry at my ex and feeling sorry for myself and victimized.

Through talking to people and noticing the positive effect of doing my work, I started to realize what I had to do. I started doing my work again- journaling, writing, letting my pain out- and I started to feel better. It wasn't a quick fix, there was nothing that just flipped a switch in my brain. It was more of a slow improvement as I started to do more of the activities that I needed for myself. I am certainly not back to normal, but better enough that I am starting to have some good days again.

It reminds me of something a counselor said to me once- "Those who feel, heal. When you resist, it persists." I think this is very true, and part of the reason why there are people out there who have not healed at all from the pain of divorce. I don't know about anyone else out there, but I do not want to be a person who is still angry and hurt for years after their divorce. I want to feel what I need to feel and heal as much as possible so I can get on with my life. I can't control what my former wife did, but I can control what I do about it and how I live the rest of my life.

I hope this helps someone else out there!

Her Justifications for Cheating

Throughout this whole ordeal, my ex-wife has been trying to justify her decision to cheat on me and leave me for my neighbor's son. She can be very convincing at times, even convincing me that I am as bad as she says. I will openly admit to my mistakes, which makes it worse because it just reinforces her negative views. As soon as I knew about any issues, I took immediate action and to make positive changes. She said it was too late, but some of the changes were just for me- to be a better person.

One thing she criticizes me for is that I was lazy. Yes, I was lazy at times- I get exhausted from thinking and worrying all day long. I get exhausted and need to recover. Is that an excuse? Maybe, but my battery was was running on empty. I have changed that now, and barely ever sit around doing nothing. She got mad at me for making these positive changes too. I am not even sure why.

We just kind of glided along over the years without talking about or changing how we organized our lives. Life got in the way of our relationship, the kids and their needs did too. We both could have changed, but we didn't. We both made a lot of changes after the separation and one thing that bothers me is that we could have done that together, but she chose to do that with someone else instead. There is nothing that I can do to change this. I have no control over her and would never even try to control her because that is not who I am.

One of the things she said was that I didn’t support her enough with the kids. I didn’t agree with this. Our kids are difficult, and I tried so many things, but they just didn’t listen. I remember numerous times when our youngest child would have a meltdown (temper tantrum) and I would try so hard to get her to calm down. Anything I tried would just not work, and she would even get more angry if I tried. Sometimes I just gave up, but I don’t think it is fair for my ex-wife to get mad at me when there was nothing I could do to resolve the issue.

I think it comes back to communication. We never effectively communicated with each other. We think differently and we don’t even talk the same way. I don’t think we ever communicated properly. There were so many times when I thought I did something good or helped out, and she didn’t know or even care. That is the funny thing about housework with kids. You can do a whole bunch of things and the other person may not ever even know you did it.

Our older daughter was given so much attention from my ex that she would only calm down for her. Again, I could try all day, but the daughter only wanted her mom to calm her down. This put me in a difficult place because I would try, but nothing would help. My ex-wife’s response was “you are the father, you have to do it.” I think this is both true and untrue. Yes, it is moderately responsible to expect that it has to get done, so the father has to do it. However, there are other dynamics at play. Her helicopter parenting made it much more difficult for me to do this. She did way too much for them, and I had more of a hands off approach. The interesting thing is that now that she goes out all of the time with her boyfriend, I have much better nights with the girls, and they go to bed far better than they did when she was at home.

When it comes to her justifications, it helps to understand that she made her decision, and was looking for everything she could to justify it. She was looking for negative things to help support her decision. Anything I said or did was twisted to support her decision- she was looking for negative things to help her feel better about her guilt and about the horrible thing she was doing. There was nothing I could say to change her mind. My most compelling argument was “you have to decide what type of person you want to be, the type of person that worked as hard as she could to save her marriage and family, or the type of person who split up her family to be with her neighbor's son.” Even that fell flat with her. Sure, it made her feel bad, but she believed it was me that made her feel bad, not the facts or her actions.

This comes to my point of tossing out the Hail Mary. I need everyone to know that if you get to this point, it is over. Don’t bother, just don’t do it. I said “What about our vows?” This is the dumbest question I could have asked. It seemed like a valid point to me, but it is wasn’t. It’s that last hope that maybe, just maybe, the vows actually meant something and it could change her mind. It didn’t. It would never work. Please never try this, it sucks.

Understanding My Ex and Her Possible Borderline Personality Disorder

In a recent counselling session, it was suggested to me that my ex may have Borderline Personality Disorder. This was quite a shock to me because I had been with her for 17 years and never really even considered that. 

The interesting thing is that I never focused on the behaviors and issues that are part of this disorder in the session, so the counselor didn't even know all of the factors that could lead to her being BPD. As I did some reading and reflecting on the situation, her BPD became more and more apparent to me. The sudden outbursts of anger, the mood swings, my feeling of walking on eggshells, her issues with controlling everyone, her promotion of co-dependance on her. It all seemed to add up very quickly.

BPD is very complex and there are hundreds of considerations in it, but the facts do seem to add up. This is a very important realization for me because it helped me understand my behaviors better and why I was doing the things that I did, especially near the end of the relationship.

It is not about blame or finding flaws in her, it is about understanding the dynamics and understanding that this has affected me quite a bit. I was co-dependent on her. I was relying on her for so much, and I was overcompensating for everything she never did- Like being responsible or planning for the future. She never did these things because she was so focused on herself and making everyone need her. I fell into that trap and adapted over the years. This left me feeling incomplete, and frankly, very miserable. 

This is very helpful for me now because I can see how that affected me, and I can more clearly see what I need to do to fulfill my needs and feel more whole. Is it an instant fix? No, absolutely not, but I can now see things more clearly and focus more on myself and become more whole and happy again. 

I encourage everyone to look back at their relationships once you are out of them. Take the blinders off and focus on things that you didn't allow yourself to see when you were in the relationship. You may just be surprised at what you find out. 

Learning to Stand Up for Myself and Building Self-esteem

As the beginning of the separation unfolded, my former wife complained about me a lot. She focused on any and all negative things and- as I later found out- she was trying to justify her decision to cheat on me and split up our family. I have to admit that I even started to believe her and it hurt my self-esteem hard. She even told the kids that she left because I was a bad partner. It was clear that she took me for granted and never even considered all of the great things I did as a partner. 

As I started to get some of my self-esteem back, I realized that, although some negative things were partially true, most of them were not even remotely true. Eventually, I wrote her an email to address this. The email was not negative in anyway, but just listed all of the ways I was actually a good partner. 

I told her that there were so many great things I did for her that she never even cared about. I listed a bunch of them so she could never deny it: 
I paid for her to go to school for years, 
I helped her with her school work, 
I planned and saved for the family's future, 
I offered to pay off her credit card numerous times, 
I gave her one of my credit cards to use anytime she wanted,
I did all of the yard work by myself for years, 
I fixed things around the house, 
I did all maintenance of the house and appliances, 
I supported her emotionally,

I supported her to do things that made her happy,
I never once told her what to do,  

I listened to her when she asked me to do anything, 
I bought groceries multiple times per week, 
I fixed and maintained the family vehicles,
I cleaned and tidied the house on a daily basis (especially doing things she never did like cleaning walls, windows, mirrors), 

I cleaned up messes she made, 

I scrubbed and cleaned stains on carpets and couches for hours at a time,
I spent time with the kids, 
I helped the kids with issues they had, 
I taught both kids how to ride bikes, 
I taught the kids how to garden and grow food, 
I cooked and often had supper ready for her and the kids when she got home from work. 
The list goes on and on. 

There was never a single thank you or acknowledgement of anything good I ever did. When I cooked supper, she complained that it was not what she wanted. When I took care of the kids on my own, she complained that I took them out to eat too often (which I did once a week at most). Nothing was ever good enough, she always complained. 

Sending this email made me feel better, but I know she likely never read it. This stuff doesn't matter much now, but it was an important part of my healing to know- and stand up for- the fact that I was a very good partner and husband.  

Relapsing into Sadness After She Left

Many people don’t talk about how you can move in and out of the stages of grief. I was feeling pretty good when she first moved out, I had more freedom, more space, I didn’t have to put up with her negativity as much. It seemed pretty good, That did not last very long. I found myself being sad again within a couple of weeks.

Father’s Day was a trigger for me. I pretty much cried the whole day. The kids were manipulating me, saying they would rather be with their mother. Not to mention the fact that for some stupid reason, I agreed to let them go over to my ex-wife’s for a BBQ. Again, her messed up idea of just swapping me out for our neighbor’s son and having a family BBQ like nothing is any different.

I have been down since then. Just feeling sad. Back into thinking about why this happened. How could this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? I sometimes think back to that simple time in February when I didn’t even know what was coming. I guess it was probably inevitable by then. She was already developing a relationship with the neighbor, and had already been secretly hating me for years.

I wonder how this is my life now. Just surviving. Fighting each day to stay alive, to manage somehow. I have trouble getting out of bed. Sleep is the only thing that shuts off my mind (with medication to help me sleep). Then there are the really bad nights when my dreams are affected. I had a dream last night that I was in the movie Ocean’s Eleven- Trying desperately to get my ex-wife back. Doesn’t really help a whole lot. Tess wanted Daniel back, my ex does not want to be married to me. 

The sooner things, the better off I will be. She has been unwavering in leaving me. She had been planning it for years. It seemed sudden to me, but it wasn’t. I never knew it, but she would complain about me all the time. To other people, but not to me. She did get mad at me often, but she never truly communicated with me how she was feeling. It really doesn’t matter much anymore. The one thing I know is that I can’t say “If I only did this, we would still be together” because it was not just one thing, it was many things over many years.

Despite my severe pain, I can see glimmers of beauty in the world. Nature seems more beautiful than ever before. I get these glimmers of enjoyment every once in a while that seem to make life a little more bearable. My relationship with my children is stronger, and I appreciate them more than ever before. The hugs, the happiness we give each other, that is so much better.

Canada Day was the first holiday we were separated. It was tough for me. I didn’t get to see the kids for most of the day. My ex had plans for the “new family.” It sounded like they had a great day. She seems happy, which is hard for me to accept. How could she be so much happier without me? Here I am just surviving, working to make it through every day- and then there is her, happier than ever before. I don’t think it is real or true, but I am not sure if that even matters at all. I need to stop focusing on her and working on myself. That is all I can do.

Finding New Activities After Divorce

One of the most important things you can do as a newly separated or divorced person is put distance between yourself and the situation. Of course, this is easier said than done. Many people are left wondering what to do, especially when you didn't do a whole lot for yourself before your separation. Therapy, talking with friends, getting active are all things that are highly recommended. One other thing is to try new things and take on new activities and interests.

Let's be honest, most of us have not been overly involved in sports and activities as adults. Life has gotten in the way and we don't have time for training and practice involved in most organized sports. For this reason, one of the best new sports I have come across is Pickleball. For those who haven't heard of it, Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in the World. It is actually in the news all the time because its popularity is growing so quickly. It is cheap to play and easy to learn. It gives you exercise and is a very social sport.

It's played on a smaller sized tennis court and is kind of a mix between tennis and ping pong. It is played with a paddle and a green whiffle ball. You can play singles or doubles, and because the court is much smaller than a tennis court, you don't have to run very far when you play. It is also much easier than tennis because you don't have to master spinning and controlling the ball as much. 

Clubs are popping up in every city and all you have to do to learn pickleball is to reach out to one of the clubs. It started as a sport for seniors, but it is gaining popularity with a younger crowd don't let this discourage you if you are younger as more and more people are starting all the time. Get out there and give it a try to meet people, have fun, and get some much needed physical activity!

The Day My Ex-wife Moved Out

I guess the next step is for her to move out. June 1st is the day she gets her new place. She has an apartment lined up, and she is moving in with her boyfriend. She said he is not moving in right away (I later found out he moved in on the first day). She told my daughters that they are sharing a room and that she has already ordered the beds and night tables. She makes all sorts of promises to them to make the situation sound better, but none of it is true.

My daughter saw a receipt for over $4000 worth of stuff for their apartment. It had both names on it, so it was clear that they were buying it together. (I believe the purchase date was May 20th, the same day as their celebration supper). She yelled at my daughter for finding this, which was inappropriate.

When confronted about this receipt, she said that he was "helping her" out because she doesn’t have anything. She said he is not moving in with her right away, and that their plan is for that to happen down the road. She said he was helping her with the first month's rent as well. She said that she is trying to do it slow for the kids. This leads me to believe she probably will be planning on him moving in the following month.

As the day came closer, I became more and more sad. Knowing that it was inevitable, knowing that she had already made the arrangements for her new place. Knowing that her and her boyfriend had gone shopping for furniture and picked out all of the furniture they wanted and liked together. I can’t even believe it. I think the hope is gone, the hope that our life and family could still survive. It was sad to even have hope. It was sad to think that she could change her mind. I didn’t have all the facts. I just knew some of what was going on.

As June came, I found myself more upset. The kids went with her to see the apartment, and then somehow, I had the kids while she went back with the neighbor/boyfriend. Their whole family knows. I have to live next door to them when they know about the relationship her son has with my wife? What a messed up situation. Horrible really. I am not even really sure what I can do. I guess just power through and pretend it is not as horrible as it is.

The kids came back from the apartment and they were excited about the new place. They made friends and seem to have had a great time. Fairly disheartening to hear, but I guess I have been here before. It seems all great to them right now, but when reality sets in and they have 5 people living in an apartment, things will be shit for them. I don’t think they have the capacity to figure that out, but it happens every time.

I am barely talking to my ex-wife at this point. Not trying to be mean or anything, but there is not much for me to say. I would say I still can’t really even look at her without almost crying. She doesn’t seem to care at all, she is just so busy setting up her new life.

Leading up to her move, I started having a little excitement of her not living with me anymore. No more makeup everywhere, no more clothes all over the place, no more of her messes to clean up, no more seeing her every day. It was exciting. Part of that was how crappy I feel around her. Knowing that she is a cheater and a liar, knowing that she is not who I thought she was. Still a little bit of conflicting feelings, but not nearly as much as before.

The night she left was not much different than any of the other nights I had recently. She was out, I was home with the kids. She came home to pick up some stuff, yelled at my older daughter for not being asleep, and then left. That’s all. I didn’t say goodbye, nothing. It was not really different than any other night that she stayed out all night, except that this was no longer her home. I almost cried while writing this, but I am not sure I can cry anymore, no tears left to give. 

Once she was actually out of the house, I did start to feel better. When I didn’t have the kids, I went out with friends and did some fun things. When I had the kids, I focused on them. The house was way cleaner, no messes left around. No more make up and her junk all over the place. It was actually kind of nice. The house is cleaner than ever before.

I had a relapse of sadness about two weeks into my new life. I cried a bit, and started to be upset about the loss of love and how my family was torn apart. I am hoping I can get past it pretty quick, but it is not easy.

Healing from Separation and Divorce- Writing a Letter to your Former Partner (that you will never give to them)

I have been reading a new book about healing after separation and I came across an activity called "writing a poison pen letter." It immediately spoke to me and I started on it right away. It was extremely helpful, and I recommend it to everyone going through the pain of separation and divorce. It really does help and feels so good to do.

Here is an outline of the task:

1. Sit down and write a letter to your former partner.

2. Write it as mean as you possibly can. Don't pull any punches. Swear, and say your worst.

3. Never send it to them. This is empowering, you are choosing not to act. You are choosing not to let them in anymore. 

4. Feel awesome after! It is so liberating.

I may share my letter in the future, but wow did I say some harsh things. All true though, but many things I would never say to anyone. I was tempted to send the letter, but I resisted. It would not be good. These are things that she needs to realize for herself and she will never ever accept them if someone tells them to her. 

Try it today, I highly recommend this and I will do it again very soon. If this helps, check out my other top tips for emotionally surviving your separation or divorce here.

My Experience With The Anger Stage of Divorce

I have gone into the anger stage quite a few times. I seem to go in and out of it quite often. This can be a dangerous phase to enter, but I think it can be quite helpful to get through my denial. I have been trying to find healthier ways of dealing with the anger, things like journaling and writing. These activities are very helpful as they can help get out the aggression in healthy ways.  

I verbally lashed out today. I don’t know if I should have, but I know I said a few things that needed to be said. I have to be very careful with the anger, I don’t want to make things so much worse. I think the anger is mostly due to the fact that I finally know what is going on with her. The other relationship is confirmed at this point and that definitely put me into the anger stage. My mind seems to be protecting me from the hurt now.

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. It is still about the pain. The hurt. The betrayal. The lies. Not overly inspired to write today. Not very creative. But at least I am slightly less depressed. I seem to flip back and forth between anger and depression at times.

We got into a huge fight. A couple of hours long, lots of tears, swearing from both sides. What was accomplished? I would say probably nothing. I am hopeful that she learned something about my point of view, but let’s be honest. There is no chance in hell of that being true.

The funny thing about arguing is that there is literally no way I can win. If I talk- she gets annoyed with me. If she makes a good point, it confirms her negative opinion of me. Worst of all, if I make a good point, she feels bad and blames me for making her feel bad. Arguing is completely pointless. Worst of all, I couldn’t help myself, I had to do it. Almost like a compulsion.

She was lashing out and trying to hurt me. She threw a lot of things in my face. I probably did that too. The funny thing was that this was our first ever real big fight- in all 17 years together. We have had small ones before, but never a blow out fight like this. How does a relationship end without fighting? I feel bad. The fight was bad. I can’t imagine anything good came from it.

After the fighting and more realizing that she is in a serious relationship with our neighbor's son. I really started to pull back. I did not focus on her at all anymore, and just focused on having fun with the kids. The weird thing about this is that it really was the only thing she responded to. Yet, as soon as I stopped doing it, she went back to her old ways.

It really is about not trying to get her back at all, when someone makes a decision like this and is trying to justify it, there is nothing you can do to change their mind.

I have a friend that is going through a separation at the same time, he is stuck in the anger stage. I don’t think it is a good place to be. He is haunted by the feelings he had for his wife, and has turned those feelings into anger instead of processing them. Everything he says and does leads him back to his feelings (and the anger form they are currently in).

I have lashed out a few times, it didn’t help at all. Not in the least bit. This last time, she is already gone. Nothing left. I am not even sure if she is trying to be pleasant at this point.

In a bit of an angry state, once I knew about her relationship with the neighbor, I said that I didn’t want my girls growing up thinking it is acceptable to split up their family to be with their neighbor. Harsh thing to say, I know, but it is true is it not? She took this to say that I was going to tell them right now that it is unacceptable. I don’t even know, I was just saying it out of anger. She then says that I am “fu*ked in the head” because I was going to do that. Maybe I am, maybe having my wife leave me for the neighbor has messed up my head.

The interesting thing about anger is that it helps you grow apart. If there is anyone out there foolish enough to want to save their marriage at this point, you absolutely should not show any anger towards your spouse. If you do, it will progress the separation process significantly. As I look back to these days, it was the anger, the fights, me telling her what she was doing wrong that pushed her further and further away.

The Truth Comes Out- Finding out about my ex-wife's cheating

One night, my children and I saw my wife walking with my neighbor (actually the neighbor's son) and holding hands. It was a one in a million chance that we would even see that, maybe even less likely now that I think of it.

I was pretty mad, the children were pretty mad too. I texted her when we got home and told her that we were upset. I asked her not to come home. Not that I was kicking her out, just that I had confirmed what I suspected and didn't want to fight. She came home anyway and we fought. She lied and denied everything, and maintained that there was nothing going on. She was lying quite a bit.

One really weird thing happened, I called her my ex-wife and she started crying. I was very confused. I asked her why she cried, and she said that she never had considered that before. Again, quite confusing given the fact that she was already in a relationship with the neighbor.

We talked a lot more over the coming nights. Three nights in a row of talking. Some fighting, some hugging, and a little calm talking. I want to say that the hope didn’t make me feel better, but it really did. The other side of it was that I didn’t even know if I wanted her back. Obviously, the trust was gone, and she really wasn’t the great person that I thought she was. Still, she maintained that she only walked with the neighbor and spent time with him, listening to music, and talking and such. She felt bad about lying, but said they got close as friends. Could it really be that she was so upset about just spending time with him and lying about where she was?

A few days later, she admitted to me that she “liked him.” He was nice to her, he was nice to the kids, and she had fun when she was with him. She said she was confused about her feelings. She didn’t know what to do. Yet, she was still spending her time with him and I was spending my time with the kids.

I still find myself trying to convince her to be with me instead of with him. I really want my family to stay together, but honestly, I don’t even know if I am attracted to her anymore, or if I truly want to be with her anymore. She is not the person she used to be. She is making poor decisions and she is being dishonest. I honestly think she has already made a decision to be with him, but that she is hesitating because she feels guilty about what she is doing to the kids. She says she is confused, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me at all. Yet, somehow I still have hope.

The one thing that hurts the most is that we were having a good conversation and I was asking her questions. I asked her if her relationship with him has gotten physical. She said no. I asked her this question four times in a row, and each time, she said no. She maintained eye contact as she said it, but each time she looked down and to the left immediately after saying it. Every single time. This is an indisputable sign that she was lying to me. I guess the extent of the physical nature is still unknown- there is that damn hope again- I know I am fooling myself. They could have hugged, cuddled, held hands, kissed, or more. She later admitted that she is attracted to him.

She eventually agreed to talk to a counsellor about her feelings. I guess that is a good sign, but I later realized that she was only doing this to make herself feel better about what she was doing. Essentially she said she has to decide what to do, and I agree it has to be her own decision. She almost seems to be trying to compromise at this point, but that is just not an option. I told her that I do not believe there are people out there that regret working hard to make their marriage work, but there are people who regret breaking up their families for another person.

I still don’t even know if I want her to stay. Can I ever trust her again? I really don’t know. She is so good at lying. She lied so much. She did things nobody should ever do, and she can do them again. Will she really stop talking to him? Doubtful. Or if she does, it will probably be short lived. Like for 2 weeks or something. I know he is trying to convince her to go with him. I also know he can act as nice as he wants, but that doesn’t make him a good person. His whole life is drama and he is dragging her into that. I don’t want that life for my children. They cannot have that life. He may be nice to her, but he is a horrible person and she is being sucked into that black hole. I don’t want my kids to be involved in that at all. Of course, that saddest part about it is that I have no choice.

I can hope that things go sour with him I guess. Maybe he is getting mad and frustrated with her. Maybe he is starting to show his true colors. Maybe not. There is no way to know. I still have hope. This is sad, but I always have hope. Right up until the end. The very end- Which may come soon. June 1st is the day for her potential move out of the house. I guess I will know more by then. Doesn’t seem like she is doing a whole lot to prepare for that day though. I guess that could be a good sign. Or that could just be a sign that she is not really thinking rationally, which I already know.

We spent a few hours together today, alone. Almost like a small date. Why did she do that? Why? Is she testing me? Is she taking one last look at whether or not she can stand to be around me? Is she just trying to confirm that she doesn’t love me and won’t regret her decision to leave? That one is the most likely I would say. There is nothing I can do to change that. I need to just focus on my life and move on.

It sucks. It really really sucks. All of this is happening around me and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t change her mind. I can’t do anything to make her love me again. I can’t do anything at all. There is nothing I can do at all.

As things unfolded further, more and more came out. My wife was buying furniture with the neighbor, planning day trips with the kids, getting an apartment together. She said he was just “helping her” but there were texts saying I love you and I miss you from both parties. Back and forth many times. As I talked to her about it, trying to make sense of things, she basically said they fell for each other when they were spending time together with the kids. She said she was not happy for a long time, and had a lot of needs that weren’t being met.

In the end, I am not sure if I clarified this throughout, but my wife cheated on me with my neighbor's son, fell in love with him, and is moving out with him. That is pretty messed up. His personal life is a mess- his ex is crazy, she yells around and causes problems. It is a messed up situation. I would say my ex-wife’s moral code has been tested, and she failed.

One night, nearing the day my ex was moving out, she had to rush out to meet him. He was upset because of the situation, and because he was cheated on before and felt bad for how things were. He sent me a big long text trying to justify their behavior. It was obvious that he did it to make himself feel better. I don’t even know how to respond to it. Do I message him back to make him feel bad? He should feel bad. Of course, if I ‘make’ him feel bad, I am the bad guy and that just justifies it more. If not to him, certainly to her. Again, not really sure there is a way to win in this situation. Probably best to keep my mouth shut.

After many many lies, she moved in with him right away. Right from the first night, they were living together. They were planning it for a while. You can’t just ‘get on a list’ for an apartment. You have to apply together and they did. It is actually still hard for me to believe this happened. That she did this, all of this.

I have so much pain. So much hurt inside me. Many days I just try to feel as much of it as I can so that my brain can just shut down and stop thinking about it. I called a crisis line yesterday. It actually helped quite a bit. I could cry without judgement at all. Just talked and let it out. It literally shocks me that so many people in this world have gone through this. I don’t understand how they do it. I have been through painful breakups before, but nothing like this.