Father’s Day was a trigger for me. I pretty much cried the whole day. The kids were manipulating me, saying they would rather be with their mother. Not to mention the fact that for some stupid reason, I agreed to let them go over to my ex-wife’s for a BBQ. Again, her messed up idea of just swapping me out for our neighbor’s son and having a family BBQ like nothing is any different.
I have been down since then. Just feeling sad. Back into thinking about why this happened. How could this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? I sometimes think back to that simple time in February when I didn’t even know what was coming. I guess it was probably inevitable by then. She was already developing a relationship with the neighbor, and had already been secretly hating me for years.
I wonder how this is my life now. Just surviving. Fighting each day to stay alive, to manage somehow. I have trouble getting out of bed. Sleep is the only thing that shuts off my mind (with medication to help me sleep). Then there are the really bad nights when my dreams are affected. I had a dream last night that I was in the movie Ocean’s Eleven- Trying desperately to get my ex-wife back. Doesn’t really help a whole lot. Tess wanted Daniel back, my ex does not want to be married to me.
The sooner things, the better off I will be. She has been unwavering in leaving me. She had been planning it for years. It seemed sudden to me, but it wasn’t. I never knew it, but she would complain about me all the time. To other people, but not to me. She did get mad at me often, but she never truly communicated with me how she was feeling. It really doesn’t matter much anymore. The one thing I know is that I can’t say “If I only did this, we would still be together” because it was not just one thing, it was many things over many years.
Despite my severe pain, I can see glimmers of beauty in the world. Nature seems more beautiful than ever before. I get these glimmers of enjoyment every once in a while that seem to make life a little more bearable. My relationship with my children is stronger, and I appreciate them more than ever before. The hugs, the happiness we give each other, that is so much better.
Canada Day was the first holiday we were separated. It was tough for me. I didn’t get to see the kids for most of the day. My ex had plans for the “new family.” It sounded like they had a great day. She seems happy, which is hard for me to accept. How could she be so much happier without me? Here I am just surviving, working to make it through every day- and then there is her, happier than ever before. I don’t think it is real or true, but I am not sure if that even matters at all. I need to stop focusing on her and working on myself. That is all I can do.