One Year After My Separation

Somehow, I don't know how, but I made it through the one year anniversary of my separation. It has been a painful and long year. I had some good times, I was even doing very well at times, but then there are the low times. So many low times. I have endured so much pain and suffering over the last year.

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year. I will say that it has gotten easier. It seems to improve in steps. I feel better, then worse, then better, then worse again. Every time I feel worse, it seems to be less and less intense. I still have my fear, animosity, and pain, but they seem to be a little less each time.

Right before the one year mark, I had an epiphany. Her mood swings, anger, yelling, horrible attitude, all of the negative things. Those aren't my problem anymore! Those are his problem. He doesn't win in this reality. He loses. He is the one that has to put up with all of the negative, petulant behaviors. It was really nice to make this connection. It really helped me in my growth and healing.

The one year mark does have some hurdles. I think of this same time last year and am reminded of all the horrible things she has said and done. It was Mother's Day last year, when she stayed out all night and let the kids down by not showing up for their special surprise. I was also last year when she said all of those horrible things about me and was very convincing about her opinions of how horrible I was. It is hard for me to get passed those things. It is hard for me to build my confidence up again and feel good about myself and the person I am. It helps that I have some great new friends that think very highly of me. I was told by a couple of new friends how great I am and how much I enrich their lives. These opinions are far more valuable than hers. They are more based in reality and based on nice things I have done for people in my life.

It's nice to look back at the last year and see how far I have come. It is nice to see that I was able to make it through this horrible time in my life. Am I fully healed and stronger than I have ever been before. I can't say that just yet, but I am hoping to get to that point in the future. 

The Day My Ex-wife Moved Out

I guess the next step is for her to move out. June 1st is the day she gets her new place. She has an apartment lined up, and she is moving in with her boyfriend. She said he is not moving in right away (I later found out he moved in on the first day). She told my daughters that they are sharing a room and that she has already ordered the beds and night tables. She makes all sorts of promises to them to make the situation sound better, but none of it is true.

My daughter saw a receipt for over $4000 worth of stuff for their apartment. It had both names on it, so it was clear that they were buying it together. (I believe the purchase date was May 20th, the same day as their celebration supper). She yelled at my daughter for finding this, which was inappropriate.

When confronted about this receipt, she said that he was "helping her" out because she doesn’t have anything. She said he is not moving in with her right away, and that their plan is for that to happen down the road. She said he was helping her with the first month's rent as well. She said that she is trying to do it slow for the kids. This leads me to believe she probably will be planning on him moving in the following month.

As the day came closer, I became more and more sad. Knowing that it was inevitable, knowing that she had already made the arrangements for her new place. Knowing that her and her boyfriend had gone shopping for furniture and picked out all of the furniture they wanted and liked together. I can’t even believe it. I think the hope is gone, the hope that our life and family could still survive. It was sad to even have hope. It was sad to think that she could change her mind. I didn’t have all the facts. I just knew some of what was going on.

As June came, I found myself more upset. The kids went with her to see the apartment, and then somehow, I had the kids while she went back with the neighbor/boyfriend. Their whole family knows. I have to live next door to them when they know about the relationship her son has with my wife? What a messed up situation. Horrible really. I am not even really sure what I can do. I guess just power through and pretend it is not as horrible as it is.

The kids came back from the apartment and they were excited about the new place. They made friends and seem to have had a great time. Fairly disheartening to hear, but I guess I have been here before. It seems all great to them right now, but when reality sets in and they have 5 people living in an apartment, things will be shit for them. I don’t think they have the capacity to figure that out, but it happens every time.

I am barely talking to my ex-wife at this point. Not trying to be mean or anything, but there is not much for me to say. I would say I still can’t really even look at her without almost crying. She doesn’t seem to care at all, she is just so busy setting up her new life.

Leading up to her move, I started having a little excitement of her not living with me anymore. No more makeup everywhere, no more clothes all over the place, no more of her messes to clean up, no more seeing her every day. It was exciting. Part of that was how crappy I feel around her. Knowing that she is a cheater and a liar, knowing that she is not who I thought she was. Still a little bit of conflicting feelings, but not nearly as much as before.

The night she left was not much different than any of the other nights I had recently. She was out, I was home with the kids. She came home to pick up some stuff, yelled at my older daughter for not being asleep, and then left. That’s all. I didn’t say goodbye, nothing. It was not really different than any other night that she stayed out all night, except that this was no longer her home. I almost cried while writing this, but I am not sure I can cry anymore, no tears left to give. 

Once she was actually out of the house, I did start to feel better. When I didn’t have the kids, I went out with friends and did some fun things. When I had the kids, I focused on them. The house was way cleaner, no messes left around. No more make up and her junk all over the place. It was actually kind of nice. The house is cleaner than ever before.

I had a relapse of sadness about two weeks into my new life. I cried a bit, and started to be upset about the loss of love and how my family was torn apart. I am hoping I can get past it pretty quick, but it is not easy.

The Truth Comes Out- Finding out about my ex-wife's cheating

One night, my children and I saw my wife walking with my neighbor (actually the neighbor's son) and holding hands. It was a one in a million chance that we would even see that, maybe even less likely now that I think of it.

I was pretty mad, the children were pretty mad too. I texted her when we got home and told her that we were upset. I asked her not to come home. Not that I was kicking her out, just that I had confirmed what I suspected and didn't want to fight. She came home anyway and we fought. She lied and denied everything, and maintained that there was nothing going on. She was lying quite a bit.

One really weird thing happened, I called her my ex-wife and she started crying. I was very confused. I asked her why she cried, and she said that she never had considered that before. Again, quite confusing given the fact that she was already in a relationship with the neighbor.

We talked a lot more over the coming nights. Three nights in a row of talking. Some fighting, some hugging, and a little calm talking. I want to say that the hope didn’t make me feel better, but it really did. The other side of it was that I didn’t even know if I wanted her back. Obviously, the trust was gone, and she really wasn’t the great person that I thought she was. Still, she maintained that she only walked with the neighbor and spent time with him, listening to music, and talking and such. She felt bad about lying, but said they got close as friends. Could it really be that she was so upset about just spending time with him and lying about where she was?

A few days later, she admitted to me that she “liked him.” He was nice to her, he was nice to the kids, and she had fun when she was with him. She said she was confused about her feelings. She didn’t know what to do. Yet, she was still spending her time with him and I was spending my time with the kids.

I still find myself trying to convince her to be with me instead of with him. I really want my family to stay together, but honestly, I don’t even know if I am attracted to her anymore, or if I truly want to be with her anymore. She is not the person she used to be. She is making poor decisions and she is being dishonest. I honestly think she has already made a decision to be with him, but that she is hesitating because she feels guilty about what she is doing to the kids. She says she is confused, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me at all. Yet, somehow I still have hope.

The one thing that hurts the most is that we were having a good conversation and I was asking her questions. I asked her if her relationship with him has gotten physical. She said no. I asked her this question four times in a row, and each time, she said no. She maintained eye contact as she said it, but each time she looked down and to the left immediately after saying it. Every single time. This is an indisputable sign that she was lying to me. I guess the extent of the physical nature is still unknown- there is that damn hope again- I know I am fooling myself. They could have hugged, cuddled, held hands, kissed, or more. She later admitted that she is attracted to him.

She eventually agreed to talk to a counsellor about her feelings. I guess that is a good sign, but I later realized that she was only doing this to make herself feel better about what she was doing. Essentially she said she has to decide what to do, and I agree it has to be her own decision. She almost seems to be trying to compromise at this point, but that is just not an option. I told her that I do not believe there are people out there that regret working hard to make their marriage work, but there are people who regret breaking up their families for another person.

I still don’t even know if I want her to stay. Can I ever trust her again? I really don’t know. She is so good at lying. She lied so much. She did things nobody should ever do, and she can do them again. Will she really stop talking to him? Doubtful. Or if she does, it will probably be short lived. Like for 2 weeks or something. I know he is trying to convince her to go with him. I also know he can act as nice as he wants, but that doesn’t make him a good person. His whole life is drama and he is dragging her into that. I don’t want that life for my children. They cannot have that life. He may be nice to her, but he is a horrible person and she is being sucked into that black hole. I don’t want my kids to be involved in that at all. Of course, that saddest part about it is that I have no choice.

I can hope that things go sour with him I guess. Maybe he is getting mad and frustrated with her. Maybe he is starting to show his true colors. Maybe not. There is no way to know. I still have hope. This is sad, but I always have hope. Right up until the end. The very end- Which may come soon. June 1st is the day for her potential move out of the house. I guess I will know more by then. Doesn’t seem like she is doing a whole lot to prepare for that day though. I guess that could be a good sign. Or that could just be a sign that she is not really thinking rationally, which I already know.

We spent a few hours together today, alone. Almost like a small date. Why did she do that? Why? Is she testing me? Is she taking one last look at whether or not she can stand to be around me? Is she just trying to confirm that she doesn’t love me and won’t regret her decision to leave? That one is the most likely I would say. There is nothing I can do to change that. I need to just focus on my life and move on.

It sucks. It really really sucks. All of this is happening around me and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t change her mind. I can’t do anything to make her love me again. I can’t do anything at all. There is nothing I can do at all.

As things unfolded further, more and more came out. My wife was buying furniture with the neighbor, planning day trips with the kids, getting an apartment together. She said he was just “helping her” but there were texts saying I love you and I miss you from both parties. Back and forth many times. As I talked to her about it, trying to make sense of things, she basically said they fell for each other when they were spending time together with the kids. She said she was not happy for a long time, and had a lot of needs that weren’t being met.

In the end, I am not sure if I clarified this throughout, but my wife cheated on me with my neighbor's son, fell in love with him, and is moving out with him. That is pretty messed up. His personal life is a mess- his ex is crazy, she yells around and causes problems. It is a messed up situation. I would say my ex-wife’s moral code has been tested, and she failed.

One night, nearing the day my ex was moving out, she had to rush out to meet him. He was upset because of the situation, and because he was cheated on before and felt bad for how things were. He sent me a big long text trying to justify their behavior. It was obvious that he did it to make himself feel better. I don’t even know how to respond to it. Do I message him back to make him feel bad? He should feel bad. Of course, if I ‘make’ him feel bad, I am the bad guy and that just justifies it more. If not to him, certainly to her. Again, not really sure there is a way to win in this situation. Probably best to keep my mouth shut.

After many many lies, she moved in with him right away. Right from the first night, they were living together. They were planning it for a while. You can’t just ‘get on a list’ for an apartment. You have to apply together and they did. It is actually still hard for me to believe this happened. That she did this, all of this.

I have so much pain. So much hurt inside me. Many days I just try to feel as much of it as I can so that my brain can just shut down and stop thinking about it. I called a crisis line yesterday. It actually helped quite a bit. I could cry without judgement at all. Just talked and let it out. It literally shocks me that so many people in this world have gone through this. I don’t understand how they do it. I have been through painful breakups before, but nothing like this.