First Christmas Alone and a False Sense of Hope

I broke down crying on the 21st, sobbing uncontrollably from the harsh reality and pain of my first Christmas alone. 

I was facing the reality of the situation- my wife moved into an apartment with my neighbor's son, the kids aren't coping well, and life is completely upside down. I was overwhelmed, I couldn't see anyway forward. The kids were home from school and they were bored. I had to text her for help- something I really did not want to do. She came to my rescue, caring for me, trying to help. 

I think this gave me a false sense of hope for what could happen with us. She was just doing it to help. It didn't mean anything to her. Maybe she feels guilty for what she did to me and our family. Maybe she truly sees that what she did is wrong. I don't know if it really matters, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

The next few days were filled with hope. What if she can finally see the truth? I texted her, tried to explain that things are not right. The kids aren't coping well, they are in pain. I am too. I told her she needs to stop pretending that things are good and right. She seemed a bit responsive and admitted that she feels like crap every day. I tried to help her see the truth, but she went back to blaming me. She said she feels like that because of the things I say to her. I hadn't even said anything to her lately and whenever I did in the past, it was only telling her the reality of the situation.

I thought there could be some grand gesture for Christmas, maybe she could come home and we could be a family again. I asked her to come home. It didn't work. There was no grand gesture, there was no Christmas miracle.

Part of me thinks her brain is shutting it out, trying to protect her from reality. She can't see it all. She is not happy. She cries, yells, and then just pretends things are ok. This has to be some sort of defense mechanism. But in the end, does it really matter? The fact of the matter is that things aren't changing and I am having trouble accepting that.

Now I am alone, Christmas by myself. I do have some friends and somewhat of a social network that I have created in my new life, but it's not what I want. I want my family back. It is just not the same, it feels empty without her here. She doesn't care. She replaced me with my neighbor's son. She has this grand idea of what things are and how much better they are. She is wrong, but she will never admit it. 

I think part of my hope is that what she did is so horrible, so stupid, so ridiculous, that it is almost impossible for someone to not figure out that it is wrong. I know that time will come eventually. The problem is that I am waiting for it, and I can't do that. Yet, here I am, hoping for the future. Hoping for a family that doesn't exist anymore. 

I am not crying now, I think I got most of that out already, I am feeling empty inside, alone, sad. I know this will get better with time. I know I have to let go of my marriage and the happiness that I never even truly knew I had. I should have appreciated it more, but I guess I will never have that chance again.

She will continue to pretend, continue to think things are better and continue to ignore the family she tore apart. I always thought you could never just replace one person with another, but apparently you can. With a little denial and pretending, you can do whatever you want in this life. Or at least some people can. I can't. 

The Day My Ex-wife Moved Out

I guess the next step is for her to move out. June 1st is the day she gets her new place. She has an apartment lined up, and she is moving in with her boyfriend. She said he is not moving in right away (I later found out he moved in on the first day). She told my daughters that they are sharing a room and that she has already ordered the beds and night tables. She makes all sorts of promises to them to make the situation sound better, but none of it is true.

My daughter saw a receipt for over $4000 worth of stuff for their apartment. It had both names on it, so it was clear that they were buying it together. (I believe the purchase date was May 20th, the same day as their celebration supper). She yelled at my daughter for finding this, which was inappropriate.

When confronted about this receipt, she said that he was "helping her" out because she doesn’t have anything. She said he is not moving in with her right away, and that their plan is for that to happen down the road. She said he was helping her with the first month's rent as well. She said that she is trying to do it slow for the kids. This leads me to believe she probably will be planning on him moving in the following month.

As the day came closer, I became more and more sad. Knowing that it was inevitable, knowing that she had already made the arrangements for her new place. Knowing that her and her boyfriend had gone shopping for furniture and picked out all of the furniture they wanted and liked together. I can’t even believe it. I think the hope is gone, the hope that our life and family could still survive. It was sad to even have hope. It was sad to think that she could change her mind. I didn’t have all the facts. I just knew some of what was going on.

As June came, I found myself more upset. The kids went with her to see the apartment, and then somehow, I had the kids while she went back with the neighbor/boyfriend. Their whole family knows. I have to live next door to them when they know about the relationship her son has with my wife? What a messed up situation. Horrible really. I am not even really sure what I can do. I guess just power through and pretend it is not as horrible as it is.

The kids came back from the apartment and they were excited about the new place. They made friends and seem to have had a great time. Fairly disheartening to hear, but I guess I have been here before. It seems all great to them right now, but when reality sets in and they have 5 people living in an apartment, things will be shit for them. I don’t think they have the capacity to figure that out, but it happens every time.

I am barely talking to my ex-wife at this point. Not trying to be mean or anything, but there is not much for me to say. I would say I still can’t really even look at her without almost crying. She doesn’t seem to care at all, she is just so busy setting up her new life.

Leading up to her move, I started having a little excitement of her not living with me anymore. No more makeup everywhere, no more clothes all over the place, no more of her messes to clean up, no more seeing her every day. It was exciting. Part of that was how crappy I feel around her. Knowing that she is a cheater and a liar, knowing that she is not who I thought she was. Still a little bit of conflicting feelings, but not nearly as much as before.

The night she left was not much different than any of the other nights I had recently. She was out, I was home with the kids. She came home to pick up some stuff, yelled at my older daughter for not being asleep, and then left. That’s all. I didn’t say goodbye, nothing. It was not really different than any other night that she stayed out all night, except that this was no longer her home. I almost cried while writing this, but I am not sure I can cry anymore, no tears left to give. 

Once she was actually out of the house, I did start to feel better. When I didn’t have the kids, I went out with friends and did some fun things. When I had the kids, I focused on them. The house was way cleaner, no messes left around. No more make up and her junk all over the place. It was actually kind of nice. The house is cleaner than ever before.

I had a relapse of sadness about two weeks into my new life. I cried a bit, and started to be upset about the loss of love and how my family was torn apart. I am hoping I can get past it pretty quick, but it is not easy.