Learning About Myself and Letting Out The Pain of Divorce

One thing I learned today is that I need to let out my pain. Writing, meditating, exercising, anything to get the pain out. If I don't, it starts to build up inside and I can feel myself getting mad or upset. Seems like a simple concept, but it is a very important one. Now that I have realized this, it has made things so much easier for me, and I encourage everyone to reflect on this.

I knew a little bit about this, but didn't realize how important this was until recently. Two weeks ago, I had stopped doing my "work" at letting it out. I did notice quite a bit of difference in my mental well-being. I was just not my normal self at all. I found myself getting angry at my ex and feeling sorry for myself and victimized.

Through talking to people and noticing the positive effect of doing my work, I started to realize what I had to do. I started doing my work again- journaling, writing, letting my pain out- and I started to feel better. It wasn't a quick fix, there was nothing that just flipped a switch in my brain. It was more of a slow improvement as I started to do more of the activities that I needed for myself. I am certainly not back to normal, but better enough that I am starting to have some good days again.

It reminds me of something a counselor said to me once- "Those who feel, heal. When you resist, it persists." I think this is very true, and part of the reason why there are people out there who have not healed at all from the pain of divorce. I don't know about anyone else out there, but I do not want to be a person who is still angry and hurt for years after their divorce. I want to feel what I need to feel and heal as much as possible so I can get on with my life. I can't control what my former wife did, but I can control what I do about it and how I live the rest of my life.

I hope this helps someone else out there!

Healing from Separation and Divorce- Writing a Letter to your Former Partner (that you will never give to them)

I have been reading a new book about healing after separation and I came across an activity called "writing a poison pen letter." It immediately spoke to me and I started on it right away. It was extremely helpful, and I recommend it to everyone going through the pain of separation and divorce. It really does help and feels so good to do.

Here is an outline of the task:

1. Sit down and write a letter to your former partner.

2. Write it as mean as you possibly can. Don't pull any punches. Swear, and say your worst.

3. Never send it to them. This is empowering, you are choosing not to act. You are choosing not to let them in anymore. 

4. Feel awesome after! It is so liberating.

I may share my letter in the future, but wow did I say some harsh things. All true though, but many things I would never say to anyone. I was tempted to send the letter, but I resisted. It would not be good. These are things that she needs to realize for herself and she will never ever accept them if someone tells them to her. 

Try it today, I highly recommend this and I will do it again very soon. If this helps, check out my other top tips for emotionally surviving your separation or divorce here.

My Experience With The Anger Stage of Divorce

I have gone into the anger stage quite a few times. I seem to go in and out of it quite often. This can be a dangerous phase to enter, but I think it can be quite helpful to get through my denial. I have been trying to find healthier ways of dealing with the anger, things like journaling and writing. These activities are very helpful as they can help get out the aggression in healthy ways.  

I verbally lashed out today. I don’t know if I should have, but I know I said a few things that needed to be said. I have to be very careful with the anger, I don’t want to make things so much worse. I think the anger is mostly due to the fact that I finally know what is going on with her. The other relationship is confirmed at this point and that definitely put me into the anger stage. My mind seems to be protecting me from the hurt now.

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. It is still about the pain. The hurt. The betrayal. The lies. Not overly inspired to write today. Not very creative. But at least I am slightly less depressed. I seem to flip back and forth between anger and depression at times.

We got into a huge fight. A couple of hours long, lots of tears, swearing from both sides. What was accomplished? I would say probably nothing. I am hopeful that she learned something about my point of view, but let’s be honest. There is no chance in hell of that being true.

The funny thing about arguing is that there is literally no way I can win. If I talk- she gets annoyed with me. If she makes a good point, it confirms her negative opinion of me. Worst of all, if I make a good point, she feels bad and blames me for making her feel bad. Arguing is completely pointless. Worst of all, I couldn’t help myself, I had to do it. Almost like a compulsion.

She was lashing out and trying to hurt me. She threw a lot of things in my face. I probably did that too. The funny thing was that this was our first ever real big fight- in all 17 years together. We have had small ones before, but never a blow out fight like this. How does a relationship end without fighting? I feel bad. The fight was bad. I can’t imagine anything good came from it.

After the fighting and more realizing that she is in a serious relationship with our neighbor's son. I really started to pull back. I did not focus on her at all anymore, and just focused on having fun with the kids. The weird thing about this is that it really was the only thing she responded to. Yet, as soon as I stopped doing it, she went back to her old ways.

It really is about not trying to get her back at all, when someone makes a decision like this and is trying to justify it, there is nothing you can do to change their mind.

I have a friend that is going through a separation at the same time, he is stuck in the anger stage. I don’t think it is a good place to be. He is haunted by the feelings he had for his wife, and has turned those feelings into anger instead of processing them. Everything he says and does leads him back to his feelings (and the anger form they are currently in).

I have lashed out a few times, it didn’t help at all. Not in the least bit. This last time, she is already gone. Nothing left. I am not even sure if she is trying to be pleasant at this point.

In a bit of an angry state, once I knew about her relationship with the neighbor, I said that I didn’t want my girls growing up thinking it is acceptable to split up their family to be with their neighbor. Harsh thing to say, I know, but it is true is it not? She took this to say that I was going to tell them right now that it is unacceptable. I don’t even know, I was just saying it out of anger. She then says that I am “fu*ked in the head” because I was going to do that. Maybe I am, maybe having my wife leave me for the neighbor has messed up my head.

The interesting thing about anger is that it helps you grow apart. If there is anyone out there foolish enough to want to save their marriage at this point, you absolutely should not show any anger towards your spouse. If you do, it will progress the separation process significantly. As I look back to these days, it was the anger, the fights, me telling her what she was doing wrong that pushed her further and further away.