I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma lately. I have read quite a few books about it and the emotional reaction to it. It is interesting that divorce is certainly very traumatic, but it also brings out a lot of pain and trauma from the past as well. Some of the books even suggest that the majority of the pain is from past trauma rather than the divorce itself.
I am not entirely sure that is true, but I have begun to work on some of my trauma from the past, and it has been helpful for me. I write about my feelings, explore traumatic events from my past, and allow myself to truly feel the feelings that this brings. This has helped with my mood quite a bit as I work through it. I don't fully understand what's happening, but I do know that it helps.
There have been quite a few difficulties in my past. An alcoholic father that died while I was young, and a mother that suffered from mental illness. Things happened that made me feel very complex emotions when I just was not emotionally mature enough to handle them. As I work through the related feelings and emotions, I find myself having much less anxiety.
One thing I have realized is that anxiety is linked to trauma and trauma could be anything. COVID is trauma, having our feelings ignored when we are children is trauma, being bullied as a student is also trauma. Anything could be trauma depending on how it affected us and how we did or did not deal with it. I may have been in denial about my past, but reading and writing about feelings has certainly helped me overall.
I am starting to be a little bit happier and more fulfilled in my life. Not a whole lot more at this point, but just a bit. I am hoping to continue my progress and keep the momentum going.
Another revelation that I have had is that it is ok for me to be alone. I found myself having much anxiety and stress from trying so hard for people to go out with and spend time with. While this is very important and enjoyable, it doesn't have to happen every night. I have come to realize that if I have down nights where I am alone and have nothing to do, it is totally fine. Once I came to this realization, my stress levels went down.