Searching for Answers After My Wife Left

I think it is common for all of us to search for answers when we go through a separation/divorce. I am sure it is more common for people who didn't ask for it to happen. I can't really speak to the other side of things. It is a constant search for the reasons why your former partner left. Everyone I have talked to has done it, and we seem to wrack our brains looking for everything that contributed to them leaving.  

Was it that one thing I did? Could I have avoided it? If only I would have done that one thing differently when they asked. I have spent so many hours thinking of these things. Trying to understand, trying to know what I missed, everything that contributed to it. It often seems like it is just one thing or a couple of things that contributed, but it's not. There are often dozens of reasons, many of them internal and a reflection of their view of the world, which we can never fully understand.

There is some value in searching, it can help healing and it can help us ensure that we don't make the same mistakes in the future. But there is a time when it must end. We must all realize that there are just things we will never ever know. This is a hard thing to do, but it has to be done. We must learn our lessons and then just try to move on. We must accept that there are things we will never know and somehow find a way to be ok with this fact. 

When it comes right down to it, there are so many things going on in that other person's mind that we can never understand, most likely there are things that they never even mentioned. Sure, they may have told us how bad they think we are, or what they have concluded, but there are so many inner thoughts and even their insecurities that played a part. They made a choice and we have to live with it. The truth may never be known and there is nothing we can do about it. It then goes back to something I always write- we must focus on ourselves and making our lives as positive and enjoyable as possible. That is the only thing we can control, that is the only thing we can do.

I have had times when I am better at this and times when I am worse at it. I have worked through never knowing, only to fall back into searching for answers. I can tell you that I am much more at peace when I accept it than when I am trying to 'figure things out.' I encourage everyone out there to try your best to just let go and not get caught in this pattern of thinking. I know it is easier said than done.

Learning About Myself and Letting Out The Pain of Divorce

One thing I learned today is that I need to let out my pain. Writing, meditating, exercising, anything to get the pain out. If I don't, it starts to build up inside and I can feel myself getting mad or upset. Seems like a simple concept, but it is a very important one. Now that I have realized this, it has made things so much easier for me, and I encourage everyone to reflect on this.

I knew a little bit about this, but didn't realize how important this was until recently. Two weeks ago, I had stopped doing my "work" at letting it out. I did notice quite a bit of difference in my mental well-being. I was just not my normal self at all. I found myself getting angry at my ex and feeling sorry for myself and victimized.

Through talking to people and noticing the positive effect of doing my work, I started to realize what I had to do. I started doing my work again- journaling, writing, letting my pain out- and I started to feel better. It wasn't a quick fix, there was nothing that just flipped a switch in my brain. It was more of a slow improvement as I started to do more of the activities that I needed for myself. I am certainly not back to normal, but better enough that I am starting to have some good days again.

It reminds me of something a counselor said to me once- "Those who feel, heal. When you resist, it persists." I think this is very true, and part of the reason why there are people out there who have not healed at all from the pain of divorce. I don't know about anyone else out there, but I do not want to be a person who is still angry and hurt for years after their divorce. I want to feel what I need to feel and heal as much as possible so I can get on with my life. I can't control what my former wife did, but I can control what I do about it and how I live the rest of my life.

I hope this helps someone else out there!

Her Justifications for Cheating

Throughout this whole ordeal, my ex-wife has been trying to justify her decision to cheat on me and leave me for my neighbor's son. She can be very convincing at times, even convincing me that I am as bad as she says. I will openly admit to my mistakes, which makes it worse because it just reinforces her negative views. As soon as I knew about any issues, I took immediate action and to make positive changes. She said it was too late, but some of the changes were just for me- to be a better person.

One thing she criticizes me for is that I was lazy. Yes, I was lazy at times- I get exhausted from thinking and worrying all day long. I get exhausted and need to recover. Is that an excuse? Maybe, but my battery was was running on empty. I have changed that now, and barely ever sit around doing nothing. She got mad at me for making these positive changes too. I am not even sure why.

We just kind of glided along over the years without talking about or changing how we organized our lives. Life got in the way of our relationship, the kids and their needs did too. We both could have changed, but we didn't. We both made a lot of changes after the separation and one thing that bothers me is that we could have done that together, but she chose to do that with someone else instead. There is nothing that I can do to change this. I have no control over her and would never even try to control her because that is not who I am.

One of the things she said was that I didn’t support her enough with the kids. I didn’t agree with this. Our kids are difficult, and I tried so many things, but they just didn’t listen. I remember numerous times when our youngest child would have a meltdown (temper tantrum) and I would try so hard to get her to calm down. Anything I tried would just not work, and she would even get more angry if I tried. Sometimes I just gave up, but I don’t think it is fair for my ex-wife to get mad at me when there was nothing I could do to resolve the issue.

I think it comes back to communication. We never effectively communicated with each other. We think differently and we don’t even talk the same way. I don’t think we ever communicated properly. There were so many times when I thought I did something good or helped out, and she didn’t know or even care. That is the funny thing about housework with kids. You can do a whole bunch of things and the other person may not ever even know you did it.

Our older daughter was given so much attention from my ex that she would only calm down for her. Again, I could try all day, but the daughter only wanted her mom to calm her down. This put me in a difficult place because I would try, but nothing would help. My ex-wife’s response was “you are the father, you have to do it.” I think this is both true and untrue. Yes, it is moderately responsible to expect that it has to get done, so the father has to do it. However, there are other dynamics at play. Her helicopter parenting made it much more difficult for me to do this. She did way too much for them, and I had more of a hands off approach. The interesting thing is that now that she goes out all of the time with her boyfriend, I have much better nights with the girls, and they go to bed far better than they did when she was at home.

When it comes to her justifications, it helps to understand that she made her decision, and was looking for everything she could to justify it. She was looking for negative things to help support her decision. Anything I said or did was twisted to support her decision- she was looking for negative things to help her feel better about her guilt and about the horrible thing she was doing. There was nothing I could say to change her mind. My most compelling argument was “you have to decide what type of person you want to be, the type of person that worked as hard as she could to save her marriage and family, or the type of person who split up her family to be with her neighbor's son.” Even that fell flat with her. Sure, it made her feel bad, but she believed it was me that made her feel bad, not the facts or her actions.

This comes to my point of tossing out the Hail Mary. I need everyone to know that if you get to this point, it is over. Don’t bother, just don’t do it. I said “What about our vows?” This is the dumbest question I could have asked. It seemed like a valid point to me, but it is wasn’t. It’s that last hope that maybe, just maybe, the vows actually meant something and it could change her mind. It didn’t. It would never work. Please never try this, it sucks.

Understanding My Ex and Her Possible Borderline Personality Disorder

In a recent counselling session, it was suggested to me that my ex may have Borderline Personality Disorder. This was quite a shock to me because I had been with her for 17 years and never really even considered that. 

The interesting thing is that I never focused on the behaviors and issues that are part of this disorder in the session, so the counselor didn't even know all of the factors that could lead to her being BPD. As I did some reading and reflecting on the situation, her BPD became more and more apparent to me. The sudden outbursts of anger, the mood swings, my feeling of walking on eggshells, her issues with controlling everyone, her promotion of co-dependance on her. It all seemed to add up very quickly.

BPD is very complex and there are hundreds of considerations in it, but the facts do seem to add up. This is a very important realization for me because it helped me understand my behaviors better and why I was doing the things that I did, especially near the end of the relationship.

It is not about blame or finding flaws in her, it is about understanding the dynamics and understanding that this has affected me quite a bit. I was co-dependent on her. I was relying on her for so much, and I was overcompensating for everything she never did- Like being responsible or planning for the future. She never did these things because she was so focused on herself and making everyone need her. I fell into that trap and adapted over the years. This left me feeling incomplete, and frankly, very miserable. 

This is very helpful for me now because I can see how that affected me, and I can more clearly see what I need to do to fulfill my needs and feel more whole. Is it an instant fix? No, absolutely not, but I can now see things more clearly and focus more on myself and become more whole and happy again. 

I encourage everyone to look back at their relationships once you are out of them. Take the blinders off and focus on things that you didn't allow yourself to see when you were in the relationship. You may just be surprised at what you find out. 

Learning to Stand Up for Myself and Building Self-esteem

As the beginning of the separation unfolded, my former wife complained about me a lot. She focused on any and all negative things and- as I later found out- she was trying to justify her decision to cheat on me and split up our family. I have to admit that I even started to believe her and it hurt my self-esteem hard. She even told the kids that she left because I was a bad partner. It was clear that she took me for granted and never even considered all of the great things I did as a partner. 

As I started to get some of my self-esteem back, I realized that, although some negative things were partially true, most of them were not even remotely true. Eventually, I wrote her an email to address this. The email was not negative in anyway, but just listed all of the ways I was actually a good partner. 

I told her that there were so many great things I did for her that she never even cared about. I listed a bunch of them so she could never deny it: 
I paid for her to go to school for years, 
I helped her with her school work, 
I planned and saved for the family's future, 
I offered to pay off her credit card numerous times, 
I gave her one of my credit cards to use anytime she wanted,
I did all of the yard work by myself for years, 
I fixed things around the house, 
I did all maintenance of the house and appliances, 
I supported her emotionally,

I supported her to do things that made her happy,
I never once told her what to do,  

I listened to her when she asked me to do anything, 
I bought groceries multiple times per week, 
I fixed and maintained the family vehicles,
I cleaned and tidied the house on a daily basis (especially doing things she never did like cleaning walls, windows, mirrors), 

I cleaned up messes she made, 

I scrubbed and cleaned stains on carpets and couches for hours at a time,
I spent time with the kids, 
I helped the kids with issues they had, 
I taught both kids how to ride bikes, 
I taught the kids how to garden and grow food, 
I cooked and often had supper ready for her and the kids when she got home from work. 
The list goes on and on. 

There was never a single thank you or acknowledgement of anything good I ever did. When I cooked supper, she complained that it was not what she wanted. When I took care of the kids on my own, she complained that I took them out to eat too often (which I did once a week at most). Nothing was ever good enough, she always complained. 

Sending this email made me feel better, but I know she likely never read it. This stuff doesn't matter much now, but it was an important part of my healing to know- and stand up for- the fact that I was a very good partner and husband.  

Relapsing into Sadness After She Left

Many people don’t talk about how you can move in and out of the stages of grief. I was feeling pretty good when she first moved out, I had more freedom, more space, I didn’t have to put up with her negativity as much. It seemed pretty good, That did not last very long. I found myself being sad again within a couple of weeks.

Father’s Day was a trigger for me. I pretty much cried the whole day. The kids were manipulating me, saying they would rather be with their mother. Not to mention the fact that for some stupid reason, I agreed to let them go over to my ex-wife’s for a BBQ. Again, her messed up idea of just swapping me out for our neighbor’s son and having a family BBQ like nothing is any different.

I have been down since then. Just feeling sad. Back into thinking about why this happened. How could this happen? Why did this have to happen to me? I sometimes think back to that simple time in February when I didn’t even know what was coming. I guess it was probably inevitable by then. She was already developing a relationship with the neighbor, and had already been secretly hating me for years.

I wonder how this is my life now. Just surviving. Fighting each day to stay alive, to manage somehow. I have trouble getting out of bed. Sleep is the only thing that shuts off my mind (with medication to help me sleep). Then there are the really bad nights when my dreams are affected. I had a dream last night that I was in the movie Ocean’s Eleven- Trying desperately to get my ex-wife back. Doesn’t really help a whole lot. Tess wanted Daniel back, my ex does not want to be married to me. 

The sooner things, the better off I will be. She has been unwavering in leaving me. She had been planning it for years. It seemed sudden to me, but it wasn’t. I never knew it, but she would complain about me all the time. To other people, but not to me. She did get mad at me often, but she never truly communicated with me how she was feeling. It really doesn’t matter much anymore. The one thing I know is that I can’t say “If I only did this, we would still be together” because it was not just one thing, it was many things over many years.

Despite my severe pain, I can see glimmers of beauty in the world. Nature seems more beautiful than ever before. I get these glimmers of enjoyment every once in a while that seem to make life a little more bearable. My relationship with my children is stronger, and I appreciate them more than ever before. The hugs, the happiness we give each other, that is so much better.

Canada Day was the first holiday we were separated. It was tough for me. I didn’t get to see the kids for most of the day. My ex had plans for the “new family.” It sounded like they had a great day. She seems happy, which is hard for me to accept. How could she be so much happier without me? Here I am just surviving, working to make it through every day- and then there is her, happier than ever before. I don’t think it is real or true, but I am not sure if that even matters at all. I need to stop focusing on her and working on myself. That is all I can do.

Finding New Activities After Divorce

One of the most important things you can do as a newly separated or divorced person is put distance between yourself and the situation. Of course, this is easier said than done. Many people are left wondering what to do, especially when you didn't do a whole lot for yourself before your separation. Therapy, talking with friends, getting active are all things that are highly recommended. One other thing is to try new things and take on new activities and interests.

Let's be honest, most of us have not been overly involved in sports and activities as adults. Life has gotten in the way and we don't have time for training and practice involved in most organized sports. For this reason, one of the best new sports I have come across is Pickleball. For those who haven't heard of it, Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in the World. It is actually in the news all the time because its popularity is growing so quickly. It is cheap to play and easy to learn. It gives you exercise and is a very social sport.

It's played on a smaller sized tennis court and is kind of a mix between tennis and ping pong. It is played with a paddle and a green whiffle ball. You can play singles or doubles, and because the court is much smaller than a tennis court, you don't have to run very far when you play. It is also much easier than tennis because you don't have to master spinning and controlling the ball as much. 

Clubs are popping up in every city and all you have to do to learn pickleball is to reach out to one of the clubs. It started as a sport for seniors, but it is gaining popularity with a younger crowd don't let this discourage you if you are younger as more and more people are starting all the time. Get out there and give it a try to meet people, have fun, and get some much needed physical activity!

The Day My Ex-wife Moved Out

I guess the next step is for her to move out. June 1st is the day she gets her new place. She has an apartment lined up, and she is moving in with her boyfriend. She said he is not moving in right away (I later found out he moved in on the first day). She told my daughters that they are sharing a room and that she has already ordered the beds and night tables. She makes all sorts of promises to them to make the situation sound better, but none of it is true.

My daughter saw a receipt for over $4000 worth of stuff for their apartment. It had both names on it, so it was clear that they were buying it together. (I believe the purchase date was May 20th, the same day as their celebration supper). She yelled at my daughter for finding this, which was inappropriate.

When confronted about this receipt, she said that he was "helping her" out because she doesn’t have anything. She said he is not moving in with her right away, and that their plan is for that to happen down the road. She said he was helping her with the first month's rent as well. She said that she is trying to do it slow for the kids. This leads me to believe she probably will be planning on him moving in the following month.

As the day came closer, I became more and more sad. Knowing that it was inevitable, knowing that she had already made the arrangements for her new place. Knowing that her and her boyfriend had gone shopping for furniture and picked out all of the furniture they wanted and liked together. I can’t even believe it. I think the hope is gone, the hope that our life and family could still survive. It was sad to even have hope. It was sad to think that she could change her mind. I didn’t have all the facts. I just knew some of what was going on.

As June came, I found myself more upset. The kids went with her to see the apartment, and then somehow, I had the kids while she went back with the neighbor/boyfriend. Their whole family knows. I have to live next door to them when they know about the relationship her son has with my wife? What a messed up situation. Horrible really. I am not even really sure what I can do. I guess just power through and pretend it is not as horrible as it is.

The kids came back from the apartment and they were excited about the new place. They made friends and seem to have had a great time. Fairly disheartening to hear, but I guess I have been here before. It seems all great to them right now, but when reality sets in and they have 5 people living in an apartment, things will be shit for them. I don’t think they have the capacity to figure that out, but it happens every time.

I am barely talking to my ex-wife at this point. Not trying to be mean or anything, but there is not much for me to say. I would say I still can’t really even look at her without almost crying. She doesn’t seem to care at all, she is just so busy setting up her new life.

Leading up to her move, I started having a little excitement of her not living with me anymore. No more makeup everywhere, no more clothes all over the place, no more of her messes to clean up, no more seeing her every day. It was exciting. Part of that was how crappy I feel around her. Knowing that she is a cheater and a liar, knowing that she is not who I thought she was. Still a little bit of conflicting feelings, but not nearly as much as before.

The night she left was not much different than any of the other nights I had recently. She was out, I was home with the kids. She came home to pick up some stuff, yelled at my older daughter for not being asleep, and then left. That’s all. I didn’t say goodbye, nothing. It was not really different than any other night that she stayed out all night, except that this was no longer her home. I almost cried while writing this, but I am not sure I can cry anymore, no tears left to give. 

Once she was actually out of the house, I did start to feel better. When I didn’t have the kids, I went out with friends and did some fun things. When I had the kids, I focused on them. The house was way cleaner, no messes left around. No more make up and her junk all over the place. It was actually kind of nice. The house is cleaner than ever before.

I had a relapse of sadness about two weeks into my new life. I cried a bit, and started to be upset about the loss of love and how my family was torn apart. I am hoping I can get past it pretty quick, but it is not easy.

Healing from Separation and Divorce- Writing a Letter to your Former Partner (that you will never give to them)

I have been reading a new book about healing after separation and I came across an activity called "writing a poison pen letter." It immediately spoke to me and I started on it right away. It was extremely helpful, and I recommend it to everyone going through the pain of separation and divorce. It really does help and feels so good to do.

Here is an outline of the task:

1. Sit down and write a letter to your former partner.

2. Write it as mean as you possibly can. Don't pull any punches. Swear, and say your worst.

3. Never send it to them. This is empowering, you are choosing not to act. You are choosing not to let them in anymore. 

4. Feel awesome after! It is so liberating.

I may share my letter in the future, but wow did I say some harsh things. All true though, but many things I would never say to anyone. I was tempted to send the letter, but I resisted. It would not be good. These are things that she needs to realize for herself and she will never ever accept them if someone tells them to her. 

Try it today, I highly recommend this and I will do it again very soon. If this helps, check out my other top tips for emotionally surviving your separation or divorce here.