Dealing with the Trauma of Divorce

I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma lately. I have read quite a few books about it and the emotional reaction to it. It is interesting that divorce is certainly very traumatic, but it also brings out a lot of pain and trauma from the past as well. Some of the books even suggest that the majority of the pain is from past trauma rather than the divorce itself. 

I am not entirely sure that is true, but I have begun to work on some of my trauma from the past, and it has been helpful for me. I write about my feelings, explore traumatic events from my past, and allow myself to truly feel the feelings that this brings. This has helped with my mood quite a bit as I work through it. I don't fully understand what's happening, but I do know that it helps. 

There have been quite a few difficulties in my past. An alcoholic father that died while I was young, and a mother that suffered from mental illness. Things happened that made me feel very complex emotions when I just was not emotionally mature enough to handle them. As I work through the related feelings and emotions, I find myself having much less anxiety. 

One thing I have realized is that anxiety is linked to trauma and trauma could be anything. COVID is trauma, having our feelings ignored when we are children is trauma, being bullied as a student is also trauma. Anything could be trauma depending on how it affected us and how we did or did not deal with it. I may have been in denial about my past, but reading and writing about feelings has certainly helped me overall.

I am starting to be a little bit happier and more fulfilled in my life. Not a whole lot more at this point, but just a bit. I am hoping to continue my progress and keep the momentum going. 

Another revelation that I have had is that it is ok for me to be alone. I found myself having much anxiety and stress from trying so hard for people to go out with and spend time with. While this is very important and enjoyable, it doesn't have to happen every night. I have come to realize that if I have down nights where I am alone and have nothing to do, it is totally fine. Once I came to this realization, my stress levels went down. 

 

My Separation Story: About the Kids

I haven’t talked much about the kids so far, mostly because this memoir is about my feelings and efforts to cope with the separation itself and the devastating effects it has had on me and my mental health. Of course the children are important, and I have always focused on them throughout this ordeal. Some days, when I have been so emotionally drained that I can barely survive, all that keeps me going is my kids. Being here for them, giving them what they need to be happy. Sometimes that is all I have the energy to do. 

This whole experience has been really hard for them. Shockingly hard. My former partner doesn't fully acknowledge this as she has not accepted any accountability for what she did, for what she is still doing to them. Even when the kids bring up concerns with her, she just brushes them off like it is nothing. Anytime I bring up a concern, she just gets mad at me for "making her feel bad." The unfortunate reality is that she should feel bad. I just tell her facts about the situation and what they tell me bothers them.

My older daughter understands a lot about what is going on. She feels caught in the middle of everything. She wants to make both parents happy and feels bad when she leaves me alone. She worries about her mother a lot when she is with me and almost seems to obsess about her safety. I believe this stems from the time her mother was sneaking around and lying about where she was. It all started then. 

My younger daughter doesn’t understand what is happening. She seems to have some anger towards her mother, but that is likely because she is having so many different emotions and that is the only thing that makes sense to her. She is also doing everything she can to hang onto any sort of control. She is refusing to do so many things. She is not changing her clothes and still refuses to sleep at her mother's new apartment.

My ex focuses on "fun" a lot and the kids want that fun, but they don't want to leave me. I focus on stability and giving them a solid foundation. Not nearly as fun, but for me, it is the most important thing I can provide. Kids seems to really reflect the emotions of the former family, confused at times, not wanting to let go, angry, hurt, upset. Someone said they are like mirrors, and it really does seem like that is the case.  

I have a feeling that they will be fine, but again, I am right in the thick of things and cannot see the whole picture. I can only show them love and focus in my relationship with them. I am trying my best to give them stability and a strong foundation for growing up. That has always been my goal, but apparently my ex-wife does not seem to think it is important.

The one thing I am concerned about is that they were thriving before and although they had some issues, they had a good life. Now, they lost so much and things are not going well. The actual separation was hard on them. They both refused to sleep at my wife’s apartment at first. My older daughter developed some attachment issues, and also started to pick a scab on her arm to the point where it would not be able to heal. She had done this in the past, but had counseling to help with it and it seems to have helped again. 

As far as I can tell, they are better when they are with me than when they are with her, but I only know part of the story. They listen to me more often, and I have gotten them into a bedtime routine that gives them more impedance. 

Oftentimes they tell me they want to be with both of us at the same time. They want both parent, they want the family they had before. All I can tell them is that I understand their feelings and I wish I could give them that, but I can't. I just try to acknowledge their feelings and they seem to be better when I do that. It is so hard when I want to give them everything in the world but I can't give them the most important thing they want- their family. 

Introduction to My Divorce Memoirs: My Story, Pain, and Recovery

The short summary of my situation is that my former partner and best friend of 17 years decided that she wanted to leave and start a new relationship with our neighbor's son. He was living at home, had no responsibility, and is basically a man-child. I think she had a mid-life crisis, but she thinks she has just found true love. They moved out into an apartment together within 2 months of me finding out that she wanted to separate. 

When we found out, the children and I were devasted. We cried together while she watched us without emotion. The kids still aren't coping well to this day, and the youngest child refuses to even sleep at their new apartment. I am in the process of recovering from this devastating event and trying to rebuild a new life.  

I have been writing this for a few months now. I would like to say it has been therapeutic, but I am not really too sure about that. Sometimes it almost adds to my rumination as it makes me think about the past  rather than focusing on other things.

My hope in writing this is that it will help someone else get through the worst time of their life. Even if it is just a little bit. Although I did not write this specifically for men, I have found that there is very little available to help men through the feelings and emotions involved in separation and divorce. This is despite the fact that statistics show as many as 70% of the people who are left in relationships are men.

This blog is a detailed account of what I experienced- the pain, emotions, recovery, and all. No pulled punches. I have found throughout my reading and experience that my story is fairly typical of what someone experiences. I have read everything I could find, and even though I have been in denial about the end of my marriage at times, it is all true.

My first piece of advice is that it is helpful to get used to conflicting feelings and uncertainty. How can you love and hate someone at the same time? How can you want someone back and also never want to see them again? You will find out as you go through your journey.

Finally, I have tried almost every approach to my recovery, and I have been able to find what is helpful and what is not. There are some things, like my top tips, that are very helpful and will hopefully resonate with a few people out there.

Thanks for reading and I wish you all the best in your recovery. 

Go here to read my next post: The Beginning of the End of My Marriage.

My Top Tips for Emotionally Surviving your Divorce or Separation

Separation/divorce is the second most stressful event that can happen in a person's life (most sources agree it is second only to the death of a spouse). Going through this has pushed me to the brink of my emotional strength. I don't pretend to be handling it better than anyone else, but I am good at keeping track of what helps. One thing that keeps me going is knowing that I might help someone else going through the same pain. For anyone out there who needs it, here are the most important tips I have for emotionally surviving your separation/divorce:

1. Realize that the pain is temporary. It will go away eventually. People have told me this, but it took me quite a while to realize what this really means and it is so important. I told the director at my work that I was having marriage problems and he gave some context. He said, “I know it doesn’t seem like it when you are in the thick of things, but time really does help. It may not seem like it now, but it will get better.” That summed things up quite well, and really resonates with me as I go through this journey.

2. Make a list of all the things about your ex-partner that drove you crazy. We tend to overlook things when we are married to someone because we feel like we have no choice. I have told people to try this activity and the results are always positive. In my case, there are quite a few things- her hunched over posture, her pointy nose, the way she yells and swears at the kids, the way she is so messy, the way she breaks everything, how controlling she is, the way she blames me for everything, the way she doesn’t understand things, the annoying way she puts make-up on every morning, how loud she talks, how she took me for granted, how I couldn’t talk to her about important things…. The list goes on. These are things I put up with for years and never allowed myself to be annoyed by them because it wasn't an option. It is somehow very reassuring to know that I don't have to put up with this stuff anymore.

3. Know that there is nothing you can do to change your ex-partner. Have you noticed that anything you try or say has no effect? It's fairly universal when someone has made up their mind and is biased against everything you say. When I thought really deeply about the separation, I found that the only thing I could possibly do was to improve myself. If you think over your options, that is the only logical conclusion. As I have told myself a few times throughout this ordeal, there is something freeing in understanding this. When you can accept that this is the only thing you can control, you can work on it with the knowledge that you are doing all that you can. You stop pointless efforts to change your ex-partner's mind and start to focus on the only thing you can (and should) focus on, which is yourself.

4. On days when you are barely functioning and barely holding on, break tasks up into small parts and complete the small parts. Somedays, you are hurting so much that you can barely even have the energy to survive. When these days come, break your tasks into smaller parts. Even getting done a small portion of a task is a success, and be proud that you did what you did. Focus on what you have to do in the next couple of hours and do that as best as you can. Don't think about the future or anything beyond right now. Which leads to my next tip;

5. Try not to think about the future, and if you do, know that there are a great number of changes that will take place before that future arrives. I have found that when I think about the future right now, it just doesn't make sense anymore. It is impossible and there are too many things that just don't work. This can be very overwhelming. What has helped me is knowing that many things will change before that future arrives and those changes will help make the future possible.

6. Seek counselling, talk to people, and get your pain out. If you have a program through your work, go to a counselor. If not, seek one out in the community or pay for one. Everyone can benefit from this. Talk to friends, talk to Ministers, seek out whoever you can for this support. It may not always seem like it, but it truly does help. Keeping a journal is helpful too. It isn't a quick and easy solution, but it does help build resilience even if it is just a little bit.

7. Seek out new people, new experiences, and new activities. This is extremely difficult to do when you are going through a lot of pain. Just know that, if you make the effort, these things will help build your new life. You may only end up doing one new thing a week, but you have to remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. The new activities and experiences will help you a little bit right now, but will help you a lot over time as you build your new life.

8. My final tip is that your ex-partner's friends and family are just that, theirs. They will always support your ex, and even if they truly care about you, they have to support their family. That is the harsh reality, and it sucks. Whatever their rationale, whatever horrible things your ex did, they will not waiver in their support. So if you think you can call them up and tell them about what your ex did, don’t fool yourself. Even if it did work and they sided with you, it won’t help anything. Don't bother, focus again on yourself and your needs.

Dealing with The Pain of Her New Relationship

Many times, when someone is ready to leave a relationship, the pain is too much for them to handle and they have to find someone else to fill the void. Unfortunately, this is all too common when marriages end. There are so many of us out here that have had to deal with this and it is very painful. The person we loved is with someone else and there is nothing we can do about it.

My case is unique in that my former wife chose my neighbor's son for her new partner. This further adds to the pain. With kids in the mix, I see her every day and it is a constant reminder of the immense pain. 

I often ask the question, why do people make a horrible choice for their new partner when ending a marriage? The new person is almost always the worst possible choice. There is a very simple reason for this. People choose the first person that is willing to swoon over them, make them the center of their universe, make them feel special and loved. Even if that is a fake love and the person is the worst possible partner. It just feels appealing to them, it gives them what they need, it strokes their ego and makes them feel special. 

Of course the person delivering this fake love is a horrible choice. They have nothing else going in life, and they will do anything to make your former partner feel special. That is exactly what the former partner needs. Someone who will do anything for them and make them feel special. Someone who will never reject them because they can't, they have nothing else. 

It's sad, but it is the reality. I have seen it time and time again, and I have lived it. The former partner makes every attempt to make things look perfect and happy, but they are not happy. Far from it. The harder they try, the more unhappy they likely are. 

How do we deal with this? I am still figuring this out. It hurts a lot, but we have no choice but to work through it. The first thing to realize is that the former partner is not happy. The pain of divorce is hard for everyone, even someone that leave to be with a new partner. They are just masking the pain and ignoring the truth. The true fact is that divorce hurts for everyone, even if our former partners are trying to hide the pain.

The other thing to know is that the more your former partner tries to make things look perfect and make their life look happy, the more they are lying to themselves. It is not perfect, and they are just trying to make things look good to justify their horrible decisions. The sad reality is that this can continue for quite a long time, and they may not ever develop enough self-awareness to know the truth. We can't wait around for this, we can't tell them about their horrible decisions (because they will never listen), we can only accept the reality and move on with our lives. 

First Christmas Alone and a False Sense of Hope

I broke down crying on the 21st, sobbing uncontrollably from the harsh reality and pain of my first Christmas alone. 

I was facing the reality of the situation- my wife moved into an apartment with my neighbor's son, the kids aren't coping well, and life is completely upside down. I was overwhelmed, I couldn't see anyway forward. The kids were home from school and they were bored. I had to text her for help- something I really did not want to do. She came to my rescue, caring for me, trying to help. 

I think this gave me a false sense of hope for what could happen with us. She was just doing it to help. It didn't mean anything to her. Maybe she feels guilty for what she did to me and our family. Maybe she truly sees that what she did is wrong. I don't know if it really matters, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

The next few days were filled with hope. What if she can finally see the truth? I texted her, tried to explain that things are not right. The kids aren't coping well, they are in pain. I am too. I told her she needs to stop pretending that things are good and right. She seemed a bit responsive and admitted that she feels like crap every day. I tried to help her see the truth, but she went back to blaming me. She said she feels like that because of the things I say to her. I hadn't even said anything to her lately and whenever I did in the past, it was only telling her the reality of the situation.

I thought there could be some grand gesture for Christmas, maybe she could come home and we could be a family again. I asked her to come home. It didn't work. There was no grand gesture, there was no Christmas miracle.

Part of me thinks her brain is shutting it out, trying to protect her from reality. She can't see it all. She is not happy. She cries, yells, and then just pretends things are ok. This has to be some sort of defense mechanism. But in the end, does it really matter? The fact of the matter is that things aren't changing and I am having trouble accepting that.

Now I am alone, Christmas by myself. I do have some friends and somewhat of a social network that I have created in my new life, but it's not what I want. I want my family back. It is just not the same, it feels empty without her here. She doesn't care. She replaced me with my neighbor's son. She has this grand idea of what things are and how much better they are. She is wrong, but she will never admit it. 

I think part of my hope is that what she did is so horrible, so stupid, so ridiculous, that it is almost impossible for someone to not figure out that it is wrong. I know that time will come eventually. The problem is that I am waiting for it, and I can't do that. Yet, here I am, hoping for the future. Hoping for a family that doesn't exist anymore. 

I am not crying now, I think I got most of that out already, I am feeling empty inside, alone, sad. I know this will get better with time. I know I have to let go of my marriage and the happiness that I never even truly knew I had. I should have appreciated it more, but I guess I will never have that chance again.

She will continue to pretend, continue to think things are better and continue to ignore the family she tore apart. I always thought you could never just replace one person with another, but apparently you can. With a little denial and pretending, you can do whatever you want in this life. Or at least some people can. I can't. 

Good People Doing Horrible Things and the Effect on Happiness

For anyone who has read my story so far, it is very messed up. It is kind of like something that would happen in a movie- A bad movie. As it has played out, I have had to reflect on why a good person like my former wife would do such horrible, horrible things. 

I don't know if I have the answer to that just yet, but I think it has to come down to some sort of defense mechanism in her brain. It seems her brain just won't let her see the whole of the circumstances- the horrible thing she did to her family. Every time I try to tell her, or even help her make any sort of realization about the facts of the situation, she shrugs it off or blames me for making her feel bad. She will even blame the kids at times. What is clearly missing is any accountability for herself and her actions.

In any marriage, the longer we are together with someone, the more we can see their flaws, the more things bother us, and the more we feel taken for granted. That was all at play in her mind. Then, a loser comes along- and I don't use that term lightly, I almost never say that about anyone. Someone who swoons over them, makes them feel special, and gives anything to be with them. They are out there. They want what someone else has. He made her feel special, he made her feel like he was living his life for her. And he was doing that, he is doing that. 

The problem with this is that it's not real. There is no real connection, and it is all based on lies. Lies that the person thinks the same, wants to do the same things, is exactly what the other person needs. And of course they do that, why not? They want the person to feel special so they can be chosen to be a new partner. Hormones take over, and it feels like true love. The hormones and feelings wear off over time, as they do with all relationships. When this happens, she will be as unhappy as she was before if not more unhappy because of the horrible things she did to her family. 

People have a base happiness level. The fulfillment they get from life, it is fairly constant. It can be changed, but only with hard work and good fundaments and approach to growth and development. Good things and bad things happen, and the person eventually returns to their base happiness level. This has been proven time and time again. There was a study that looked at whether or not someone thought they would be happier if they won the lottery, or if they lost a limb. Obviously, everyone thought that winning the lottery was the clear choice. The study found that, years down the road, the person that lost a limb was actually happier!

Why is this? It is because that person had to work and improve themself, their outlook on life, everything. The person that won the lottery didn't do any of that. This makes all the difference. This is why each and everyone of us who have gone through (and are going through) the pain of divorce will come out better in the end. We will be happier. The person that did the horrible thing, the person that thinks they won the lottery by going with the loser that swooned over them- they will be unhappy.

My Experience With The Loneliness Stage

Loneliness is a bit different in COVID times, I am working from home and by myself more than ever before. I am not even sure if I would be this lonely in normal times, but the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. I spend most of my days alone and can go a whole day without seeing or talking to anyone in person.

I think that I have finally moved on from the denial stage, and have accepted that this is happening no matter what I do. She had previously acted like she might not leave me, or that she was deciding whether or not she was going to leave. That gave me some false hope. Hope was nice, it made me think we had a chance to save the family. I don’t think she ever considered changing her mind. It was either manipulation or guilt. That is all.

Now that I have accepted that harsh reality, I am free to move onto another stage of accepting my separation. That next stage for me is loneliness. I have gotten so lonely lately. Horribly lonely. I hit the dating apps pretty hard, not necessarily because I am ready to date or want to meet someone, but more because I just want to meet and talk to people. I have met some great people on there, and a couple that I wanted to keep talking to.

Spending time with my kids means so much more to me now. I am almost getting worried that it is a bit co-dependent. It’s a bit of a scary spot to be in, I don’t even know what to do from day to day. I really enjoy being around them, even if it is sometimes only for the fact that I am not alone.

A counselor told me that all feelings play a role in our recovery from a separation. Loneliness helps by making us seek out people and activities that prevent us from being alone. It is a powerful feeling that helps us change. I have to keep this in mind as I proceed through the stages. The other thing I read is that I have to work through the loneliness and learn to enjoy being by myself and enjoy my own company. I am doing a decent job of this through journaling, meditating, writing, and other activities like this. I guess I actually do enjoy my own company as I do things like yard work and gardening. Maybe I am mature enough to handle this after all. Maybe. We will see.

Searching for Answers After My Wife Left

I think it is common for all of us to search for answers when we go through a separation/divorce. I am sure it is more common for people who didn't ask for it to happen. I can't really speak to the other side of things. It is a constant search for the reasons why your former partner left. Everyone I have talked to has done it, and we seem to wrack our brains looking for everything that contributed to them leaving.  

Was it that one thing I did? Could I have avoided it? If only I would have done that one thing differently when they asked. I have spent so many hours thinking of these things. Trying to understand, trying to know what I missed, everything that contributed to it. It often seems like it is just one thing or a couple of things that contributed, but it's not. There are often dozens of reasons, many of them internal and a reflection of their view of the world, which we can never fully understand.

There is some value in searching, it can help healing and it can help us ensure that we don't make the same mistakes in the future. But there is a time when it must end. We must all realize that there are just things we will never ever know. This is a hard thing to do, but it has to be done. We must learn our lessons and then just try to move on. We must accept that there are things we will never know and somehow find a way to be ok with this fact. 

When it comes right down to it, there are so many things going on in that other person's mind that we can never understand, most likely there are things that they never even mentioned. Sure, they may have told us how bad they think we are, or what they have concluded, but there are so many inner thoughts and even their insecurities that played a part. They made a choice and we have to live with it. The truth may never be known and there is nothing we can do about it. It then goes back to something I always write- we must focus on ourselves and making our lives as positive and enjoyable as possible. That is the only thing we can control, that is the only thing we can do.

I have had times when I am better at this and times when I am worse at it. I have worked through never knowing, only to fall back into searching for answers. I can tell you that I am much more at peace when I accept it than when I am trying to 'figure things out.' I encourage everyone out there to try your best to just let go and not get caught in this pattern of thinking. I know it is easier said than done.