Healing from Separation and Divorce- Writing a Letter to your Former Partner (that you will never give to them)

I have been reading a new book about healing after separation and I came across an activity called "writing a poison pen letter." It immediately spoke to me and I started on it right away. It was extremely helpful, and I recommend it to everyone going through the pain of separation and divorce. It really does help and feels so good to do.

Here is an outline of the task:

1. Sit down and write a letter to your former partner.

2. Write it as mean as you possibly can. Don't pull any punches. Swear, and say your worst.

3. Never send it to them. This is empowering, you are choosing not to act. You are choosing not to let them in anymore. 

4. Feel awesome after! It is so liberating.

I may share my letter in the future, but wow did I say some harsh things. All true though, but many things I would never say to anyone. I was tempted to send the letter, but I resisted. It would not be good. These are things that she needs to realize for herself and she will never ever accept them if someone tells them to her. 

Try it today, I highly recommend this and I will do it again very soon. If this helps, check out my other top tips for emotionally surviving your separation or divorce here.

My Experience With The Anger Stage of Divorce

I have gone into the anger stage quite a few times. I seem to go in and out of it quite often. This can be a dangerous phase to enter, but I think it can be quite helpful to get through my denial. I have been trying to find healthier ways of dealing with the anger, things like journaling and writing. These activities are very helpful as they can help get out the aggression in healthy ways.  

I verbally lashed out today. I don’t know if I should have, but I know I said a few things that needed to be said. I have to be very careful with the anger, I don’t want to make things so much worse. I think the anger is mostly due to the fact that I finally know what is going on with her. The other relationship is confirmed at this point and that definitely put me into the anger stage. My mind seems to be protecting me from the hurt now.

I don’t even know what to feel at this point. It is still about the pain. The hurt. The betrayal. The lies. Not overly inspired to write today. Not very creative. But at least I am slightly less depressed. I seem to flip back and forth between anger and depression at times.

We got into a huge fight. A couple of hours long, lots of tears, swearing from both sides. What was accomplished? I would say probably nothing. I am hopeful that she learned something about my point of view, but let’s be honest. There is no chance in hell of that being true.

The funny thing about arguing is that there is literally no way I can win. If I talk- she gets annoyed with me. If she makes a good point, it confirms her negative opinion of me. Worst of all, if I make a good point, she feels bad and blames me for making her feel bad. Arguing is completely pointless. Worst of all, I couldn’t help myself, I had to do it. Almost like a compulsion.

She was lashing out and trying to hurt me. She threw a lot of things in my face. I probably did that too. The funny thing was that this was our first ever real big fight- in all 17 years together. We have had small ones before, but never a blow out fight like this. How does a relationship end without fighting? I feel bad. The fight was bad. I can’t imagine anything good came from it.

After the fighting and more realizing that she is in a serious relationship with our neighbor's son. I really started to pull back. I did not focus on her at all anymore, and just focused on having fun with the kids. The weird thing about this is that it really was the only thing she responded to. Yet, as soon as I stopped doing it, she went back to her old ways.

It really is about not trying to get her back at all, when someone makes a decision like this and is trying to justify it, there is nothing you can do to change their mind.

I have a friend that is going through a separation at the same time, he is stuck in the anger stage. I don’t think it is a good place to be. He is haunted by the feelings he had for his wife, and has turned those feelings into anger instead of processing them. Everything he says and does leads him back to his feelings (and the anger form they are currently in).

I have lashed out a few times, it didn’t help at all. Not in the least bit. This last time, she is already gone. Nothing left. I am not even sure if she is trying to be pleasant at this point.

In a bit of an angry state, once I knew about her relationship with the neighbor, I said that I didn’t want my girls growing up thinking it is acceptable to split up their family to be with their neighbor. Harsh thing to say, I know, but it is true is it not? She took this to say that I was going to tell them right now that it is unacceptable. I don’t even know, I was just saying it out of anger. She then says that I am “fu*ked in the head” because I was going to do that. Maybe I am, maybe having my wife leave me for the neighbor has messed up my head.

The interesting thing about anger is that it helps you grow apart. If there is anyone out there foolish enough to want to save their marriage at this point, you absolutely should not show any anger towards your spouse. If you do, it will progress the separation process significantly. As I look back to these days, it was the anger, the fights, me telling her what she was doing wrong that pushed her further and further away.

The Truth Comes Out- Finding out about my ex-wife's cheating

One night, my children and I saw my wife walking with my neighbor (actually the neighbor's son) and holding hands. It was a one in a million chance that we would even see that, maybe even less likely now that I think of it.

I was pretty mad, the children were pretty mad too. I texted her when we got home and told her that we were upset. I asked her not to come home. Not that I was kicking her out, just that I had confirmed what I suspected and didn't want to fight. She came home anyway and we fought. She lied and denied everything, and maintained that there was nothing going on. She was lying quite a bit.

One really weird thing happened, I called her my ex-wife and she started crying. I was very confused. I asked her why she cried, and she said that she never had considered that before. Again, quite confusing given the fact that she was already in a relationship with the neighbor.

We talked a lot more over the coming nights. Three nights in a row of talking. Some fighting, some hugging, and a little calm talking. I want to say that the hope didn’t make me feel better, but it really did. The other side of it was that I didn’t even know if I wanted her back. Obviously, the trust was gone, and she really wasn’t the great person that I thought she was. Still, she maintained that she only walked with the neighbor and spent time with him, listening to music, and talking and such. She felt bad about lying, but said they got close as friends. Could it really be that she was so upset about just spending time with him and lying about where she was?

A few days later, she admitted to me that she “liked him.” He was nice to her, he was nice to the kids, and she had fun when she was with him. She said she was confused about her feelings. She didn’t know what to do. Yet, she was still spending her time with him and I was spending my time with the kids.

I still find myself trying to convince her to be with me instead of with him. I really want my family to stay together, but honestly, I don’t even know if I am attracted to her anymore, or if I truly want to be with her anymore. She is not the person she used to be. She is making poor decisions and she is being dishonest. I honestly think she has already made a decision to be with him, but that she is hesitating because she feels guilty about what she is doing to the kids. She says she is confused, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me at all. Yet, somehow I still have hope.

The one thing that hurts the most is that we were having a good conversation and I was asking her questions. I asked her if her relationship with him has gotten physical. She said no. I asked her this question four times in a row, and each time, she said no. She maintained eye contact as she said it, but each time she looked down and to the left immediately after saying it. Every single time. This is an indisputable sign that she was lying to me. I guess the extent of the physical nature is still unknown- there is that damn hope again- I know I am fooling myself. They could have hugged, cuddled, held hands, kissed, or more. She later admitted that she is attracted to him.

She eventually agreed to talk to a counsellor about her feelings. I guess that is a good sign, but I later realized that she was only doing this to make herself feel better about what she was doing. Essentially she said she has to decide what to do, and I agree it has to be her own decision. She almost seems to be trying to compromise at this point, but that is just not an option. I told her that I do not believe there are people out there that regret working hard to make their marriage work, but there are people who regret breaking up their families for another person.

I still don’t even know if I want her to stay. Can I ever trust her again? I really don’t know. She is so good at lying. She lied so much. She did things nobody should ever do, and she can do them again. Will she really stop talking to him? Doubtful. Or if she does, it will probably be short lived. Like for 2 weeks or something. I know he is trying to convince her to go with him. I also know he can act as nice as he wants, but that doesn’t make him a good person. His whole life is drama and he is dragging her into that. I don’t want that life for my children. They cannot have that life. He may be nice to her, but he is a horrible person and she is being sucked into that black hole. I don’t want my kids to be involved in that at all. Of course, that saddest part about it is that I have no choice.

I can hope that things go sour with him I guess. Maybe he is getting mad and frustrated with her. Maybe he is starting to show his true colors. Maybe not. There is no way to know. I still have hope. This is sad, but I always have hope. Right up until the end. The very end- Which may come soon. June 1st is the day for her potential move out of the house. I guess I will know more by then. Doesn’t seem like she is doing a whole lot to prepare for that day though. I guess that could be a good sign. Or that could just be a sign that she is not really thinking rationally, which I already know.

We spent a few hours together today, alone. Almost like a small date. Why did she do that? Why? Is she testing me? Is she taking one last look at whether or not she can stand to be around me? Is she just trying to confirm that she doesn’t love me and won’t regret her decision to leave? That one is the most likely I would say. There is nothing I can do to change that. I need to just focus on my life and move on.

It sucks. It really really sucks. All of this is happening around me and there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t change her mind. I can’t do anything to make her love me again. I can’t do anything at all. There is nothing I can do at all.

As things unfolded further, more and more came out. My wife was buying furniture with the neighbor, planning day trips with the kids, getting an apartment together. She said he was just “helping her” but there were texts saying I love you and I miss you from both parties. Back and forth many times. As I talked to her about it, trying to make sense of things, she basically said they fell for each other when they were spending time together with the kids. She said she was not happy for a long time, and had a lot of needs that weren’t being met.

In the end, I am not sure if I clarified this throughout, but my wife cheated on me with my neighbor's son, fell in love with him, and is moving out with him. That is pretty messed up. His personal life is a mess- his ex is crazy, she yells around and causes problems. It is a messed up situation. I would say my ex-wife’s moral code has been tested, and she failed.

One night, nearing the day my ex was moving out, she had to rush out to meet him. He was upset because of the situation, and because he was cheated on before and felt bad for how things were. He sent me a big long text trying to justify their behavior. It was obvious that he did it to make himself feel better. I don’t even know how to respond to it. Do I message him back to make him feel bad? He should feel bad. Of course, if I ‘make’ him feel bad, I am the bad guy and that just justifies it more. If not to him, certainly to her. Again, not really sure there is a way to win in this situation. Probably best to keep my mouth shut.

After many many lies, she moved in with him right away. Right from the first night, they were living together. They were planning it for a while. You can’t just ‘get on a list’ for an apartment. You have to apply together and they did. It is actually still hard for me to believe this happened. That she did this, all of this.

I have so much pain. So much hurt inside me. Many days I just try to feel as much of it as I can so that my brain can just shut down and stop thinking about it. I called a crisis line yesterday. It actually helped quite a bit. I could cry without judgement at all. Just talked and let it out. It literally shocks me that so many people in this world have gone through this. I don’t understand how they do it. I have been through painful breakups before, but nothing like this.

What do I do now? Trying to move forward after separation

Many times throughout this season of my life, I have wondered what to do. There were a few times where I literally said “What do I do?” What can I do? There is not a whole lot- I can be sad. I can focus on myself and my own growth and improvement. I can cry and be depressed. I can try online dating. The sad reality is that this will not go away quickly and I am going to have to accept that I am going to feel very bad for a very long time. It is really just about taking it slow and surviving day by day until I can get my life back on track.

There are a few things that have helped- focus on each day as it happens. One day at a time. Do not think of the future at this point- It’s almost impossible. Ask what do I need right now? What can I do right now? And then do it. Go for walks, exercise, talk to people and force yourself to be social. I reached out to a friend going through a similar situation, that was very helpful as we have been able to support each other.

Sometimes I have hope- hope for the future, hope that our marriage may work out. I hope she will change her mind or that she will see something in me that she used to love. I find myself grasping onto the hope and actually feeling better because of it. As great as this can feel at times, this is a very dangerous thing to do. This is because she is so committed to leaving, so committed to ending this marriage, that the hope is always followed by a huge letdown.

This leads to my next point- nothing that I have said or done will change her mind. I have tried literally everything I could possibly imagine. I have changed, I have become a better person, I got rid of all TV channels and don’t even watch at all anymore (this was one of her complaints about me). Nothing made a difference, nothing convinced her of anything. She had made up her mind a while ago, and I never had a chance.

There can be a level of freedom in knowing this- in giving in to the fact that I have no chance. That way I can accept the reality and try not to fight it. Fighting it is futile. If I could just allow myself to give up. This is easier said than done. All of our conversations somehow turn to me trying to convince her to change her mind. Again, every single one of these conversations was pointless. No matter how convincing I was, no matter how great my arguments, it never changed her mind. It is kind of like arguing about politics with someone. You will never change their mind, and the more you try, the worse you look.

There seems to be times when things I say almost seem to be getting through to her, but after some time, she tends to go back to her original perspective. One counselor told me that she could just be feeling guilty. She feels guilt- guilt that she hurt me and the kids, guilt that she is splitting up the family, but that guilt is not enough to change anything. 

It is important to note that she did many things wrong in our relationship too. So many things- but unfortunately, none of that mattered because I was not the one that ended the relationship. Even if I did end it, she probably would have been relieved that she didn’t have to. I never complained. I accepted how she was, flaws and all. Was this a mistake? She seems to think she did nothing wrong ever. She would bark commands at me and treat me like garbage. Again, could have contributed to my withdrawal and negative life perspective. Maybe, I don’t know for sure.

Just talking to her, whether or normal conversation or argument, makes me feel better. Just a little better because it allows me to get my side of the story out. Again, it doesn’t make a difference. If anything, it probably annoys her more and makes me look desperate. This leads back to a previous point that nothing I do seems to matter. The only way I can possibly win is if I just let her go, and even if I do, I still lose.

At this point, I wonder if I am depressed about losing her or about the circumstances. I am not sure I could ever trust her again even if she did come back to me- which she won’t. I think about how my wife and partner of 17 years just threw me away like I was nothing. She just doesn’t care about me anymore. It hurts so much.

Questioning what did I do wrong to cause my wife to leave

I tried to figure out where I went wrong. She told me many things she had issues with, and I didn’t fully understand all of them. She brought up a family trip we went on a year before and how I ate a sandwich when we were waiting in line to get into a pool with the kids. Apparently that was selfish and she was resentful to me for this. I passive-aggressively made fun of her for that, which ended up leading to an argument. It was not a good choice on my part. After the argument, I vowed to be more spiritual and kind in our interactions. Passive-aggressive behavior did  not help anything.

There are so many things I did wrong. Many of her points were fair, I just wish she had talked to me about this and had given me a chance to change. I can’t pretend I was always a great husband. My only excuse is that I just didn’t know. I thought she would tell me if there was a problem. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do. I can’t excuse that, I guess I was just being naïve. I got comfortable, I took her for granted, and I got into a big rut. There were other dynamics too, many that I don’t fully understand.

I read the book Rebuilding (Fisher). It helped me understand why relationships fail. I recommend this book to everyone, it certainly helped me understand the stages of grief. According to the book, she took on too much responsibility with our kids and I took on too little. I took on too much responsibility in other areas, and she took on too little of those. As things evolved, I pulled back and became withdrawn.

She looked for someone, anyone who would treat her special. I don’t think this is either of our fault. Just the reality of what happened. 

There were differences in parenting too. She needs to do everything for the kids. I try to make them more independent. This makes her feel like I am not doing enough and makes me feel that she is doing too much for them. I can't do what she does for the kids. I don't think it is right. The older daughter is co-dependent on her and won't do anything without thinking of her mother. 

I don’t know this for certain, but I am pretty sure she is hooking up and/or dating my neighbor's son. He is five years younger than her and although she won’t say it, they spend a lot of time together. He is a man-child with no responsibility. Knowing this had led to my latest fit of crying spells over the last couple of days. It is a huge disappointment because I always thought she was above this type of behavior. I don’t think she ever did anything wrong in our relationship, and I trusted her completely. It really hurts to even think about this. Again, at this point, I don’t think it even matters anymore. I don’t even know if I have a right to be mad. I can only be hurt I guess.

As I reflected on this later, I realized that it takes two people to make a marriage work and two people for it to fail. She was placing all of the blame on me so she could feel better about herself and what she did. More on that in other posts, but I hope other people read this and understand that there is much more to it than what the other person says, even if that person is not willing to admit it. 

The Beginning of the End of My Marriage

I am not even sure how it started. All I know is it was happening far before I knew anything. Looking back, I should have known when she gave up on me- she stopped trying to help me be a better person. She stopped wanting to talk about the future. I noticed this, but I was fooling myself. I thought she had finally accepted me the way I was. I foolishly thought she realized that I was normal, and life was the way it was supposed to be. I thought we were bonded by the life we created together. I was wrong.

This marks the start of the most difficult time in my entire life. I wish I could say it gets easier, but at this point, I am right in the thick of things and cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel. I pray every day, I cry almost every day. Most days are horrible, some can be bearable at times. It is truly a roller coaster, with my moods changing almost daily.

What I can say is that exercise helps. Meditation helps at times. Certainly, doing nothing makes things worse. Most things that I enjoyed before are pointless to me now. TV is not entertaining, video games are pointless, even talking to people is difficult. I barely eat. The only positive has been the significant weight loss.

I often wonder why this happened. My mind cannot even process all of the information. Almost seems to shut down at times. What hurts the most is that our family is ruined. Our family, our life, the future I had planned are all gone. Sometimes I fixate on the lost future. Sometimes I fixate on the lost family. While others, I focus on the lost love. The fear of the future is a big one. One of the hardest parts is that if I am able to get over one thing, I start to worry about another one. I find myself staring off into space many times throughout the day.

Work is hard for me right now, it doesn't help that the COVID pandemic is making me stuck at home. I really became withdrawn leading up to this, possibly due to the reality of living with a wife that secretly hated me for many years. My withdrawal didn’t help much when I needed people to support me. I had to really reach far, I had let a lot of my friendships go over the years. I contacted an old friend that turned out to be going through a similar situation. That made me feel better, knowing that I was not alone and that other people had experienced the same thing.

I remember the first step she took, almost a hint that she was wanted out. I thought we had a minor disagreement, and that things would go back to normal once we let things settle down. She said she wasn’t sad, but she was not happy. The key here is that there are lots of things that could make her not happy, but she was hinting that she was not happy with me. The next day, I asked if we could talk. She said yes, then followed by saying “I have no feelings for you anymore and I am moving out.” The most direct, callous, hurtful thing I have ever heard in my life. And it came from the person I had pledged my life to- My best friend for 17 years.

I was immediately in shock. I had never even considered that our marriage would ever end before this conversation. I was always committed to doing whatever it took to make it work and I thought she was too. Especially since we had a family and we really didn’t seem to have any major problems. All I could do at this point is to say “well I am sorry for all the things I did wrong.”

As the story unfolded over the following days, weeks, I started to learn that she had much resentment from things I have done wrong over the years. I had no idea. She hid it very well. I knew there were things she was not happy about, but they didn’t seem like they were big. There were also things with the kids that I couldn’t control. She was angry that I didn’t help enough, and I didn’t fully understand this because I thought I did. She had so much resentment for things I did over the years. This built up over time and she just began to hate me.

There were so many things that came up. It really felt like she expected me to read her mind. How could I possibly know these things if she didn’t tell me? The sad thing was that it really didn’t matter at this point. Anything I said and did from this point forward just served to confirm what she thought about me. I think she had to justify her decision, so she was just looking for anything to show her how bad I was. The words “too late” came up often or even worse “you had your chance.” I don’t remember either of these phrases from our vows.

One thing that really stood out to me was that she seemed to be trying to find excuses for what she was doing. They are often pathetic excuses, and a negatively bias towards anything I did. One example was her negative view of my garden. All she could focus on was that I had too many weeds in my garden. I asked her why she had to focus on that and why she couldn’t focus on how I was working hard at gardening to grow fresh vegetables for our children or why she couldn’t focus on the fact that I was teaching them and getting them excited about growing food. She just responded “oh what, with the five beans you grow.” Again, very negative bias there. I had grown a 50 pound pumpkin the year before, and I had so many tomatoes that I had to sell a five pound bag just to get rid of them all.

I am not going to lie. I think most men would say that they didn’t cry. I cried. I cried a lot more than my whole life combined up until this point. I don’t know how much I cried when I was a baby, but this still would compare with that. In a way, it kind of makes sense, this was kind of a rebirth for me. Part of me died when this happened and now I was being reborn. 

She has said some truly horrible things to me throughout this whole thing. She said she does not want to be with me, she is not attracted to me and so on and so on. It hurts quite a bit, but I just keep going back for more. I am not even sure why- Why won’t the point get through to me? Why can’t I accept her words as she says them. I guess it could be denial, it could be a bit to do with rejection. She is rejecting me. That’s it.

It is hard for me to accept being rejected after 17 years. After all we have been through together. I guess I really need to just accept that. The saddest part is that it is COVID times, so I can see her point, I sit around the house most of the time. How can I not? I literally have to stay at home. For my job, for safety, for COVID. So I can’t just up and not do it.

The loneliness and inability to go out and socialize are the most painful parts. I would say there aren’t a lot of options for me to do anything, and if I fall into the trap of doing nothing, I end up feeling much worse.

Thinking back, now that I know about her relationship with the neighbor's son, it was all about her new relationship. More about that in the following posts, but essentially, all of her behavior can be traced back to her trying to justify what she did. Trying to confirm her decision, trying to see me in the most negative light possible, trying to make herself feel better about what she was doing- all of it.