What do I do now? Trying to move forward after separation

Many times throughout this season of my life, I have wondered what to do. There were a few times where I literally said “What do I do?” What can I do? There is not a whole lot- I can be sad. I can focus on myself and my own growth and improvement. I can cry and be depressed. I can try online dating. The sad reality is that this will not go away quickly and I am going to have to accept that I am going to feel very bad for a very long time. It is really just about taking it slow and surviving day by day until I can get my life back on track.

There are a few things that have helped- focus on each day as it happens. One day at a time. Do not think of the future at this point- It’s almost impossible. Ask what do I need right now? What can I do right now? And then do it. Go for walks, exercise, talk to people and force yourself to be social. I reached out to a friend going through a similar situation, that was very helpful as we have been able to support each other.

Sometimes I have hope- hope for the future, hope that our marriage may work out. I hope she will change her mind or that she will see something in me that she used to love. I find myself grasping onto the hope and actually feeling better because of it. As great as this can feel at times, this is a very dangerous thing to do. This is because she is so committed to leaving, so committed to ending this marriage, that the hope is always followed by a huge letdown.

This leads to my next point- nothing that I have said or done will change her mind. I have tried literally everything I could possibly imagine. I have changed, I have become a better person, I got rid of all TV channels and don’t even watch at all anymore (this was one of her complaints about me). Nothing made a difference, nothing convinced her of anything. She had made up her mind a while ago, and I never had a chance.

There can be a level of freedom in knowing this- in giving in to the fact that I have no chance. That way I can accept the reality and try not to fight it. Fighting it is futile. If I could just allow myself to give up. This is easier said than done. All of our conversations somehow turn to me trying to convince her to change her mind. Again, every single one of these conversations was pointless. No matter how convincing I was, no matter how great my arguments, it never changed her mind. It is kind of like arguing about politics with someone. You will never change their mind, and the more you try, the worse you look.

There seems to be times when things I say almost seem to be getting through to her, but after some time, she tends to go back to her original perspective. One counselor told me that she could just be feeling guilty. She feels guilt- guilt that she hurt me and the kids, guilt that she is splitting up the family, but that guilt is not enough to change anything. 

It is important to note that she did many things wrong in our relationship too. So many things- but unfortunately, none of that mattered because I was not the one that ended the relationship. Even if I did end it, she probably would have been relieved that she didn’t have to. I never complained. I accepted how she was, flaws and all. Was this a mistake? She seems to think she did nothing wrong ever. She would bark commands at me and treat me like garbage. Again, could have contributed to my withdrawal and negative life perspective. Maybe, I don’t know for sure.

Just talking to her, whether or normal conversation or argument, makes me feel better. Just a little better because it allows me to get my side of the story out. Again, it doesn’t make a difference. If anything, it probably annoys her more and makes me look desperate. This leads back to a previous point that nothing I do seems to matter. The only way I can possibly win is if I just let her go, and even if I do, I still lose.

At this point, I wonder if I am depressed about losing her or about the circumstances. I am not sure I could ever trust her again even if she did come back to me- which she won’t. I think about how my wife and partner of 17 years just threw me away like I was nothing. She just doesn’t care about me anymore. It hurts so much.