Dealing with the Trauma of Divorce

I have been doing a lot of reading about trauma lately. I have read quite a few books about it and the emotional reaction to it. It is interesting that divorce is certainly very traumatic, but it also brings out a lot of pain and trauma from the past as well. Some of the books even suggest that the majority of the pain is from past trauma rather than the divorce itself. 

I am not entirely sure that is true, but I have begun to work on some of my trauma from the past, and it has been helpful for me. I write about my feelings, explore traumatic events from my past, and allow myself to truly feel the feelings that this brings. This has helped with my mood quite a bit as I work through it. I don't fully understand what's happening, but I do know that it helps. 

There have been quite a few difficulties in my past. An alcoholic father that died while I was young, and a mother that suffered from mental illness. Things happened that made me feel very complex emotions when I just was not emotionally mature enough to handle them. As I work through the related feelings and emotions, I find myself having much less anxiety. 

One thing I have realized is that anxiety is linked to trauma and trauma could be anything. COVID is trauma, having our feelings ignored when we are children is trauma, being bullied as a student is also trauma. Anything could be trauma depending on how it affected us and how we did or did not deal with it. I may have been in denial about my past, but reading and writing about feelings has certainly helped me overall.

I am starting to be a little bit happier and more fulfilled in my life. Not a whole lot more at this point, but just a bit. I am hoping to continue my progress and keep the momentum going. 

Another revelation that I have had is that it is ok for me to be alone. I found myself having much anxiety and stress from trying so hard for people to go out with and spend time with. While this is very important and enjoyable, it doesn't have to happen every night. I have come to realize that if I have down nights where I am alone and have nothing to do, it is totally fine. Once I came to this realization, my stress levels went down. 

 

My Separation Story: About the Kids

I haven’t talked much about the kids so far, mostly because this memoir is about my feelings and efforts to cope with the separation itself and the devastating effects it has had on me and my mental health. Of course the children are important, and I have always focused on them throughout this ordeal. Some days, when I have been so emotionally drained that I can barely survive, all that keeps me going is my kids. Being here for them, giving them what they need to be happy. Sometimes that is all I have the energy to do. 

This whole experience has been really hard for them. Shockingly hard. My former partner doesn't fully acknowledge this as she has not accepted any accountability for what she did, for what she is still doing to them. Even when the kids bring up concerns with her, she just brushes them off like it is nothing. Anytime I bring up a concern, she just gets mad at me for "making her feel bad." The unfortunate reality is that she should feel bad. I just tell her facts about the situation and what they tell me bothers them.

My older daughter understands a lot about what is going on. She feels caught in the middle of everything. She wants to make both parents happy and feels bad when she leaves me alone. She worries about her mother a lot when she is with me and almost seems to obsess about her safety. I believe this stems from the time her mother was sneaking around and lying about where she was. It all started then. 

My younger daughter doesn’t understand what is happening. She seems to have some anger towards her mother, but that is likely because she is having so many different emotions and that is the only thing that makes sense to her. She is also doing everything she can to hang onto any sort of control. She is refusing to do so many things. She is not changing her clothes and still refuses to sleep at her mother's new apartment.

My ex focuses on "fun" a lot and the kids want that fun, but they don't want to leave me. I focus on stability and giving them a solid foundation. Not nearly as fun, but for me, it is the most important thing I can provide. Kids seems to really reflect the emotions of the former family, confused at times, not wanting to let go, angry, hurt, upset. Someone said they are like mirrors, and it really does seem like that is the case.  

I have a feeling that they will be fine, but again, I am right in the thick of things and cannot see the whole picture. I can only show them love and focus in my relationship with them. I am trying my best to give them stability and a strong foundation for growing up. That has always been my goal, but apparently my ex-wife does not seem to think it is important.

The one thing I am concerned about is that they were thriving before and although they had some issues, they had a good life. Now, they lost so much and things are not going well. The actual separation was hard on them. They both refused to sleep at my wife’s apartment at first. My older daughter developed some attachment issues, and also started to pick a scab on her arm to the point where it would not be able to heal. She had done this in the past, but had counseling to help with it and it seems to have helped again. 

As far as I can tell, they are better when they are with me than when they are with her, but I only know part of the story. They listen to me more often, and I have gotten them into a bedtime routine that gives them more impedance. 

Oftentimes they tell me they want to be with both of us at the same time. They want both parent, they want the family they had before. All I can tell them is that I understand their feelings and I wish I could give them that, but I can't. I just try to acknowledge their feelings and they seem to be better when I do that. It is so hard when I want to give them everything in the world but I can't give them the most important thing they want- their family.